After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
You begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
You begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much,
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn,
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...
Saturday, March 17, 2012
You know...
You know how love can make you feel pathetic? Make you feel so lost, alone, weak? I found it. I am so in love guys. In love with a man. In love with a man that has had my heart for 2.5 years. A man that makes me weak at the knees. Weak at the smell of him, weak at the thought of him. I cry every single damn day because I lost him. I thought I was supposed to trek this journey of life alone for a little while, thought I was supposed to leave him. I wasn't. I lost him. And I'm trying to get him back. trying to prove to him that he is my everything and that he can trust me that I know I won't leave him. I was selfish. And I didn't let myself enjoy every single waking moment. It's really true that saying, you don't know what you've got till it's gone. I'm sitting here at my mom's house, crying. sobbing. I just wish that he would realize that I love him so much. I hurt him. Bad. I know that I did. And now I have hurt myself. I have made it so that every single day, I write him a love note in my notebook. not that I plan on ever showing him, but it helps me release my feelings about him. I text him everyday. I try and show him that I love him. I care for him so much. I love him so much, but he still doesn't trust me. What can I do to show him? What is something I can do? I would give up anything and everything to be with the man I love. I was going to marry him. He was going to ask me to marry him. I screwed it up. I ruined it all and now I need to know what to do to earn him trust back. I'm trying so hard to be patient and to appreciate that we are just hanging out right now, but my heart is sobbing and breaking every day that he doesn't ask me to come home. I hurt like he hurt when I left him. I feel like i'm dying just little bit every day. I have lost friends, I have lost motivation, I have lost so much in life without him. I know that's so pathetic, but I found the one that drives me in life. My future. My love. And I lost him.
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