Coaching The New Power 90 Group.

Tonight I was offered the opportunity to coach the new Power 90 group G42. They are a fabulous group that are very inspiring and so active in their lives it is just incredible.

I volunteered to be on the list of coaches for this group and I was chosen and this is a huge honor due to the fact SO many people signed up to want to be a coach for the group specifically.

I walked in today, not with the greatest idea on life. I have been lonely the last while as you all know and walking in there I jus didn't want to be there tonight. I wanted to be home and in bed so I could wake up and go to work early in the morning as I need to do. As always walking into that building, my perspective changed. I was so enlightened today.

We met a half hour earlier before the students arrived and we all were assigned our students. My inner guru was telling me what students I should have as they were naming them off! I was astounded. I thought, "Oh I should have her." or whatever and then they facilitators said, Peanut we want you to have so and so. I was just shocked how in tune I was to the activity in the room. I loved it!

The students came in and I immediately clammed up like I did during their Power of Choice class. I didn't think they would take me seriously, I didn't think they would consider me a good coach etc. My goober was talking the whole time. Then we had the support exercise, and I just about cried. I love supporting people and bringing them up in good spirits and it put me in the most amazing mood. I love Outlook and what it is teaching me to do to live my life the way I want and should live it. I had to blog about it before I drift into La La La land and fall asleep because this was such an inspirational night. I stretched today. I did. and I will do one thing every day that scares me. I did that today. Wow. It feels amazing.

S T R E T C H

To stretch out of our comfort zone is something that us X-trainers do naturally. Everyday we live in our stretch zone.

A ship in the harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are for :)

Yesterday we talked about stretching our comfort zone and being more and more comfortable staying there. It was a concept that really hit my heart because i haven't been stretching as much as i should be for being a X-trainer. I have had so many opportunities fly past me because i refused to step into my stretch zone. Unfortunately it hurts me in the end.

I decided to wear a rubber band on my wrist to remind myself to stretch myself one time everyday. It's almost like my new year's resolution to do one thing everyday that scares me. So this is a good start. Why wait for 2012 and start doing it now? Perfect idea :)


On another note. Have you ever felt super alone that it almost hurts you? I have been feeling so alone the last 2 weeks that it is just killing me. Grego works constantly, I work a completely different schedule than him, I set boundaries with friends who can not accept them so they have decided to not support me in that so i'm down to just a handful (not a big deal), and my family is also busy. This Christmas, i felt more alone than any other Christmas before. It was awful. When I feel super alone, I crawl in my shell (my bed haha) and will stay there forever unless something calls for me to get up. Otherwise i will stay there and just sleep till next month. It's really not a good quality. So this stretch thing was a good thing is really what i'm getting at in a nut shell. :)

Wear. Sunscreen.

I listened to this song as a youngster and would just listen to it over and over again and then Elton and Rebecca reminded me of it yesterday! This song has so much more meaning to me now than back then. I love it. Read it and it totally makes sense now that we are older.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
Wear Sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will
look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

What?

1. to destroy itself or oneself: The missile is built so that a malfunction will cause it to self-destruct.
2. to cause itself or oneself to reach a state of collapse, dysfunction, confusion, or the like: The committee is so disorganized it will probably self-destruct before it can accomplish anything.

Self Destructing.

I was called that this week.

Oh boy did I flip.

Not ok. Far from being appropriate.

But I sat and being to think, why would they say such a thing? What have I done that has inspired this to happen?
I sat and thought over and over, am I? Am I really self destructing. I asked everyone I am close to, Am I self destructing? They all said no. So what was the point of this comment to me?

I determined that people try to help you when you don't necessarily need the help. Or they think they are helping when they are actually hurting. If I was self destructing, I would be isolating myself from the world.I wouldn't be working on myself to improve my everyday actions. I would be drinking till i was passed out on the floor, I would be taking drugs to numb the pain, I would be whoring myself thinking that would help me feel loved, I would be alone in an apartment with no one who will listen. No friends, no lover. no respect for myself or other. Don't you agree?

I am fighting with a lot of my friends. Actually just 2 of them. One is moving on in his life and has point blank told me that he is not wanting to keep any more friends. just 2 of them. The other, we are having a miscommunication. How am I reacting to this? I'm not worried about it. I'm not worried about how it will get fixed or how i'm going to move on. Because I'm done worrying about the how. I'm done worried about how this is going to fix itself. That comes across that I don't care. hence, i'm self destructive.

That one comment hurt more than anything has in a really really long time. It's hard to brush something like that off your shoulders when you know you have to see that person and act like no biggie. I'm sure they will read this, but to them, i am probably being dramatic, or unreasonable.

And I don't care. I am who I am. I love myself and every little flaw about myself, because I am perfect for me. And so I "boinged" The comment and have moved on. Because I know myself. They don't. Obviously. :)

Marry The Night

I'm gonna marry the night
I won't give up on my life
I'm a warrior queen
Live passionately tonight

I'm gonna marry the dark
Gonna make love to the stark
I'm a soldier to my own emptiness
I am a winner

I'm gonna marry the night

Distance makes the heart...

I have really had a hard time with letting people go in my life. It's a struggle that has always followed me. I have a hard time when people don't like me. I have a hard time when people just create problems that don't need to be created and involve me. It's a very hard emotionally draining situation on my part. I have a tough time dealing with it. It's happening with friends, and I just want to give up.

I stand by what my feelings are. I stand by who I am and who I am becoming, and because I stand, I may fall.

Today I have been awake for way too long exploring my mind, fixing my hair, and growing closer with Angela. I am truly blessed for what I have. I may have hard times like i said up above, but you know what? I have SO many cool things going for me. Especially this weekend. So many people have asked me if they can see me. wow. Does that happen often? No! It is just such a blessing to have beautiful people in my life that admire me and realize that i have such great qualities to offer the world.

So as I rest my head, I think of all the beautiful people in my life and how they have lifted me up and have assisted me in this life, and the last person I think of is the beautiful Natalie Wood. I'm not sure why, but she is planted in my brain. I look like her, she is strong, beautiful and forever lives in this world as a beautiful woman. I found this beautiful picture of her in NYC one of my passions. Amazing how much alike we are.

It's a love. A love in our life. To have it assailed upon with such ignorance is a crime against our souls

One word that can stop a heart beat. One word that can make a human being stop breathing. One word that makes our heart skip a beat. One word that can make me stutter. I love passion.

I want to live in passion every single day of my life. What would your life be like if you lived in your passion every single day? It would blow your mind right? It blows my mind every day that I get to listen to my passion, breathe my passion and live it. Lady Gaga is one, Outlook, Dancing, and New York City is the other. Gaga you all should know why. Dancing, I can fully express how I feel to the beautiful melodies of music and the lyrics that people write. Outlook is just a program that I will forever be a part of.

The reason I bring it up is because I have had the sudden urge to make my new year's resolution to live my passion freely every single day without the judgement of others stopping me from it. I want to show and have others learn from my passions. I want to teach others the tools I have learned. I want to dance whenever I feel need be. I want to love passionately in every relationship I have. I want to show everyone that passion can exist everyday. I want to be the prime example. This is going to be my new year's resolution. :) I can't wait!

Let me just update you on what's happened in the last 24 hours.

I found a new negative belief. I know I know. Shocking. No not really. I found a new negative belief that actually hit my core. Casey this is for you since you're asleep right now. :) I Am Not Worthy.

Wow.

Even typing it makes me weep.

I have thought back to when it was created and it was in second grade. My second grade teacher told me i was worthless and put me in the closet during class. I cried and cried for at least in that closet. I was only doing what I was passionate about. Talking to people. Interacting. And she threw me in the closet.

I'm working on changing it. I am working on doing all the steps of the choice process before I finally post it here for all to see! Once I do, you all will be the first to know! yay!

Anyway, I have to sleep in order to function tonight in an appropriate manner. another post tomorrow.

Until then...

Beauty

It has been quite some time since I have posted a blog. Sigh. That's ok. because I'm doing so now.

I am fabulous. Doing everything I want to do, doing everything I should be doing an making new friends doing it.
I have been struggling don't get me wrong, but I'm pushing through.

I have recently made some amazing friends. my X-Trainer group. (cross trainer) And They are some incredible people. I have gone all my 22 years not realizing how many amazing people there are in this incredible world. They are beautiful and I'm so grateful for them.

I have met new friends at work.
Cass
Smoothie
Steven
Micah
and gotten closer to Gina.

These guys have really assisted me in excelling at work. I focus more, i'm happier and i'm so excited to spend 10 hours with them each night. They have really influenced my time at work and my attitude towards it.
Speaking of work, I got a somewhat promotion! Pretty stoked about that. I set the intention out there, and I received how neat is that??

I am growing super close to myself. I have been exploring my passions in life and my ideas that I thought were not great ideas and guess what? They are so amazing! I have a love for photography. I JUST LOVE it. And have always wanted to do it but thought i would never excel in it. Guess what? I know I have a real talent for it, looking at the pictures I took yesterday of one of my best friends Angela. She is beautiful and the pictures turned out amazing. I wouldn't ask for a better photo shoot. :)

That's all I really have for right now. Maybe tomorrow I will write a better one in detail. Till then ,

May happiness follow you as it does with me.
Peanut/Alyssa/Maeberry

11/17/11

Today.

sigh.

Today Has been a rejuvenating type of day. Yesterday I was really down emotionally. I really just wanted to crawl up in a ball and die. I did not get out of bed, I didn't even shower till 5. I was emotionally drained.

I got out of bed.

I went and saw my dad.

I went and had my taitor time with Doug.

and I am free flowing and I go where I want. Just like water, just like money. He has really taught me a lot about who i am and what i stand for.

Outlook. Gees I really can't say enough about it.

I am a really strong person and Outlook has shown me that.

Really random blog, but it works for today.

Fire Walk/Pure Love

To me the fire walk, was an event that was very monumental/ scary for me. Letting go of something that has been defining who I am and what my past is about was really hard for me to let go. My mind was in love with the idea of keeping this awful ugly thing holding me back from loving who I want to love full heartedly.

When Douglas made us repeat over and over; “I walk on burning hot coals, in my bare feet which remain in perfect condition.” I thought he was crazy. No way were my feet going to remain in perfect condition after walking on hot coals! No freaking way. But the more and more you said it, the more and more you believed it. The more and more you understood, wait I have the power. I have the power to let go of my past, and to let go of the fear that the fire is going to hurt my feet. And guess what? No burns or blisters on my feet J

The first time I walked across the hot coals, I was entranced. I couldn’t believe that I actually pulled it off I couldn’t believe that I did it. My guardians were with me, my love was burning like a fire and I was so happy. Then my buddy Casey looked at me and said, “We are going again but together. “ And I was like ok! So when we went together, it was a little more painful just because my feet were freezing, but yet again, no scars, burns etc. When we reached the end, I felt our friendship/buddyship grow a little in my heart. I felt closer to her that she took a risk, because I know that is completely out of her comfort zone, but then also to experience it with me, really made me feel special and important.

Going back to Outlook after that night, I have had a really hard time. I am having a hard time accepting the fact that this is all going to end. I won’t be able to do these things any more with the people that I love. I am going Sky Diving Jan 16th, and our boot camp is the week before, and it worries me because Those are 2 out of the 4 major events and we have already done one. I don’t want this experience to end fo rme. I have never been more smiley, more positive, more tolerant, accepting, loving, caring, etc. I just want to keep growing and learning and having revelations all the time. But it is something that has to come to end eventually I guess.

SuperNova was offered to me last week, and I really have a feeling I should do it, but I have a stronger feeling from my inner guru saying that I need to wait. I don’t feel like I have had my AH HA! Moment here, and I think that Is super more important than putting people first like I do in almost ever situation. Because here at Outlook, The whole point of the program is for me to have that AH HA moment. I want that. I need that. I am going to have that, I just have to give it time. I haven’t broken through all the filters and barriers or walls that have been put up. I still need to utilize the Choice Process and Next POC I am going to be a Mentor! I really can’t wait J

Today I have really just been down. This is my blog for today. at least 2 blogs tomorrow.


Yo.

Peanut.

Breaking Dawn.

Beautiful.

Gorgeous.

Thankful day 5, 6, and 7

On Facebook, i have been posting everyday what I am thankful for and I haven't posted anything for the last three days because I have quite a few people I have wanted to talk about but didn't want to put them in a certain order. :)

1. Kaylie Walkington:

Mrs. Walkington Is one person that I can trust with telling her anything. She is always willing to help me with anything I need help with, she is always inviting us over for dinner and makes amazing dishes for us to eat. She is always keeping me up to date with her little one that she is pregnant with :) Sh has been blessed with a little girl and she is due in January.! I have never been so excited for someone! She is so beautiful and has the most caring soul. She really loves to help and be with people that she loves. She is fun, crafty, and super smart. She is always showing me new tv shows to watch and always giving me good suggestions on books to read. I love Kaylie very much and she is one person I know I will always have in my life no matter the circumstances. She is going to be one friend I am going to turn to when I have kids and when I get married. :) I love Kaylie Walkington and I am so thankful for her being in my life. I seriously could just go on! She also has showed me I can be spiritual and not be crazy about it. She is so at peace with god and Jesus and she is truly an example to me in showing that I can be at peace with God and not be judgmental. She is amazing.

Cece Jiron:

Cece is one person who has such a spunky personality that she brings out a crazy side of me and helps me experience things that I would never try in a million years. She supports me in things that I want to do and try and tells me when i'm doing it wrong! I don't think i have had a friend be so up front when I'm doing something wrong right when it happens. She puts me back in shape. She also has shown me the amazing Outlook Development program which has changed my life and assisted me in being a better person in life and has showed me to create passion. Cece is a very exciting passionate person who i love and adore. She has had struggles in her life, but is one girl who is so strong, you wouldn't even be able to tell. I love you cece and i'm so thankful you are in my life today.

Casey Rosenhan:

Casey is my buddy in the Outlook development program. she has really helped me through the bad times i have had with the program and mainly with my self. She understands what is going on and what i'm going through. She understands that I have a hard time facing my reality etc. She is always someone i can text right when I wake up and right when i'm going to bed. I am grateful for her and her teaching me what I need to with myself in this program. I love Casey ! She is so in tune with herself even though she might not realize it and she is so in tune with the world around her. She claims she isn't, but she SO is. :) I see a lot of things about her potential she has no idea she has. I love being her friend and I consider her a close friend of mine. She is always going to be someone in my life that will i will go to when i'm doubting my talents. She is my awesome buddy!

Halloween Weekend

Today was ropes course. And one of my momentums for today is to journal about what happened and what I learned today. :)

So we first got to the course in Provo, SUPER cold. FREEZING. Not really but it sure felt like it :) And we all gathered up and decided what we wanted to gather from this experience today. I chose to feel more spiritually connected and to just let go. Not think about anything, just let go and be me.

We started with the traffic stop activity which i had already done before at work, but on the computer. Well in real life, it's a lot different than you think. For me it was an activity that made me realize that everything I do, I do the same. Always. Without fail. I need to switch it up a bit sometimes, and i will come out with a different result!

Then we went to the dragon activity. hee hee. Sorry i don't really want to explain everything just in case someone who reads this, goes through the program. Well that activity showed me that I have a whole group of people willing to help me get to the other side of my goal and a whole bunch of support from people that I don't even know that well!

Then next was the trust falling activity. This one was hard for me. Only because in life, i have a really hard time trusting myself and letting go to let people catch me when i do fall. Standing up on that post looking around the plant life all around us was one of the most peaceful moments i had during the ropes course. Jamie told me to just look at that one tree, that one leaf on the branch and then fall. That one leaf that i was looking at was very odd shaped and odd looking. It was a leaf most people would just look past, but I saw it for what it was worth and the beauty within it. I love that leaf. And I fell. As I was falling I was crying my eyes out and to see all these people surrounding me and the love that was shared for me in that group was stronger than ever imagined. I never knew people who didn't know you that well, could love you like that. Because I loved every person that fell into our arms after that.

After the trust fall, we went to the GIANT SWING OF DEATH. This was one I was nervous for, but also so excited to experience. You get pulled up this rope in a giant swing and announce what your next step is in your goal and then let go of the red rope and you swing super fast and high. I have never felt so free before! When I announced my big step, I had this sense of relief a sense of peace and a weight lifted off my shoulders. My next step was to read my scriptures again and to see if i can feel the spirit again. It's something i'm afraid to do and something that i needed to do. And after the big fall of the swing, it turns into a peaceful swinging back and forth. I looked at the leaves, the trees, the sky. It was just so peaceful and beautiful I didn't want to get off. :)

We then went to lunch. I rode with my awesome buddy Casey and my coach Ivan and we went to Subway. It was as always delicious and I had a nice time catching up and learning new things about each other. My buddy and I have quite a bit more in common than I once thought. I don't like that we had such a hard time at first but I decided to play peace and so did she and now we are closer than ever. I got her a BYU Bear to show her how much I care last week and that really helped open us up to each other.

Anyway, after lunch we went back to the ropes course. I was pretty nervous because I knew we were going to be doing the perch. and that is one of my worst fears...

We sneakily make our way to this wall. The Wall is 16 ft high with no holes to grab, no rope to climb up and nothing but a plain huge green wall. They tell us we have to get every single person up this wall only using the resources we have and we need to work as a team. It scared me. I thought how the crap are we going to get everyone up this wall without rope or anything?! Well long and behold we sure did. I helped give ideas and helped lift people up from the second level, which physically was really hard for me because I'm not as strong as I once was, but I managed to help quite a bit. At one point in the process I got very anxious and started almost having a panic attack. I was worried about my physical health and my wrist. I wanted to put people first, but it turned into a battle because i was in so much pain and I was worried I was going to fall on people that shouldn't be fallen on. So i panicked. But as soon as we got everyone up over the wall, I felt so much relief. I was happy to know we as a team can do it and that we are strong together to help people over come their obstacles in life and in their goal.

After the wall, came the perch.

The perch was one that I have done before, but was able to jump. This time I had a really hard time jumping. Everyone was yelling and screaming at me positive reinforcements and all the noise didn't help one bit. That's how it is in life, everyone telling me their advice etc. and all I really need is some peace and quiet and I can do it myself. So I sat on the perch like an owl and was pulled off. It wasn't ok for me but it was perfect for me to do that in that moment, so that i could learn from this experience.
after the perch we threw people up in the air on a trampoline material.

I was on such a high all Saturday , so happy alive, and then Sunday came, and I crashed hard. I was sleepy most of the day because of the emotional and physical labor, but I crashed. Monday came and it was Halloween. I was so excited to get up and start my day! I love Halloween.

But my ex best friend decided that today was the day that she was going to be the mean kind of person she is after i have been trying to get my movie back from her for the last 3 days now. She insulted me told me that I was crazy, told me that I have a one track mind etc. She really thinks that she can hurt me with her words, but then she said that I was crazy, and you know what i realized? She is insulting me things about herself. She thinks she is crazy, she has a one track mind. EVERY insult she threw at me was about her not me at all. She really is going through a hard time. Never will admit to it, but she is. She even has to make her own sister delete me off facebook. I live rent free in her head, and to me that is one of the best compliments. and one day Liz will come around and apologize and i will forgive her and move on, but until then I am loving her from a distance.

Oh don't worry, it's just me.

My momentum challenge :)

Hi! My name is Alyssa Mae Smith.
I love to walk around the neighborhood barefoot in the dark and tell scary stories by the campfire.
I love eat food. All the time. Not just once in a while... I'm talking constantly. I have an obsession with stuffed animals and soft comfy blankets. They keep me feeling secured and comforted when i'm lonely :) I Work at ARUP and i actually love my job believe it or not. I also work at Hallmark just for the time being until i get a promotion at ARUP :)
I have been and seen both of George W. Bush's inaugurations. I have also met Jimmy Carter and shaken his hand! Super sweet man. I am the BIGGEST UTAH FAN ever. Don't bring up BYU around me or i have a mental breakdown.
I have some of the best people in my family. DO NOT mess with any of my family members or friends or you will have to mess with me !! scary...
I am a huge fan of Spongebob, House, Arrested Development, The Office, Parks and Rec. and Seinfeld of course.

LADY GAGA is my idol . . . . . . I am obsessed with this woman and everything she does. I love her. She is my rock in a sense. I can go to her music when times are down, when times are good and when i'm sick of the world, and she will cheer me up. I will meet her one day and hug her and we will have a grand old time.

My favorite color is teal or aqua. I love my grandma's spaghetti. It's my favorite. I also love Kneaders. That has to be my favorite place to enjoy a good meal.

I have too many favorite movies but one that always sticks out for me is The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Yes. I know. Fits my personality :)

I have the hardest time asking for help. It's something that is a work in progress.

I find Twilight is my secret obsession.. SHhhhhhh...

11 is my lucky number
I am a big history buff. Come to me for questions, facts, and anything about history. I love it! I could sit and listen to my dad tell me stories all day about history facts and anything to do with this amazing country we call home.


I love to dance. I wish i could dance still. I can't find a big enough space for me to express my love, so i do it in the shower or in my undies.

I am in love with the most beautiful strong, smart inspiring man. And he will be the man i spend the rest of my life with. Gregory Luke.


ME!

P90 And second thoughts.

I have been trying to get in the groove with P90 and making sure that I stay motivated etc. But to be honest, all i think about is the money I owe to P90, or the money I owe for school, or the money I owe for hospital bills, or anything!! I can't sit still and think oh my life is going so well, when it's not. I am debating on dropping P90 just because I am not feeling the support that I need from the team. I have my pit crew and they have been more supportive than anyone on my team. But the feeling that no on the team is there is really hard to keep going and stay motivated to keep trying at it. I think i have the right tools that I need in life. And P90 is really helping me learn how to use the tools in everyday life. I am so grateful for that, but for right now, i'm having a hard time financially and P90 is just making it worse by costing so much. I woke up Saturday morning in tears. I didn't want to go to work, I have so much school work to get done and I haven't done anything. I have not been motivated to even look at my p90 binder. I just am so worried about my financial stabliity. I want to be successful. and hopefully when I talk to Dana tomorrow something can be done about the cost of P90. I can't afford it, yet want to still be a part of it. For those who don't know what i'm talking about, it's called Power of 90. It is a life changing course that will help you achieve your dreams and goals in life and teach you to be proactive with your life. It is a 90 day course and I am enrolled in it, and i love it. I just don't love the price. I have never had so much support from outside of P90 before. I love my family so much more and Greg. He sat with me while i cried and told him how stressed i was. He was so supportive to me and it brought us so close together. I don't know what I have been doing without the support of Greg, Family and Friends. I would be lost.

I'm just not happy right now. And I need to start making choices that will turn that around.

So the Lion Fell In Love With The Lamb...

Twilight has always been one of my favorite love stories of all time. Edward falling in love with Bella, the love the connection they have as a couple. The beautiful lyrics, the beautiful story. I am so in love with Twilight. I was before the hype. I read the books while they were coming out into the book stores. I love the music, the story, everything. I feel as though my love story is Twilight. But ends at New Moon. I fell in love with jacob. Greg is my jacob character. Dain my ex boyfriend is Edward. Edward left me and i found Jacob in the pits of darkness and Jacob helped me to my feet and helped me become the beautiful woman that I am. I still love Dain, but with a different love now. I looked through pictures of us today, and he was my best friend, the one I could turn to, but changed into a mean person so quick. Then I found Jacob (grego) And I haven't been able to go back to Edward. Dain did ask to date again and to be together once more, but I am too attached to Greg. I know everyone is so sick of Twilight, but most people don't understand that for some of us, the connection to the story is deeper than superficial. It is how life turned out, and how we connected to Stephanie Meyer.

I am so excited for the final movie to come out. Breaking Dawn was my second favorite book in the series. My favorite was Eclipse. Then Breaking Dawn, Then New Moon then the first one. Yes I am a twihard freak. But you would have never known. :)

The weekend

September 11th. A day the nation and I will never forget. I had a really hard time on this day this year. I was mainly in bed, and cried most of the day. I can't believe how long it has been since this tragic event has happened.

90 day goal update:

I'm struggling to believe that I can do it at times. It's hard to think you can do it, when you don't know how you are going to do it!!
All my momentums are complete. :)
I called my buddy everyday i was supposed to even though it was difficult to get a hold of her at times :)
I am SO excited for our pit crew training tomorrow because my family gets to understand what i'm doing and how it works!!!

weekend:
I worked all weekend and completed my momentums. :)
It didn't last long.
I needed to study but couldn't.

BUT I am falling in love with greg all over again. I don't remember if i have mentioned it, but i'm just sayin' I can't believe the love you can have for someone when you live together. :) I love him.

The end.

Music

Music is something that when it's gone, you don't realize how much of an impact it has on your mood and behavior. I heard music for the first time in 1 week, and just about almost cried. I forgot how much this beautiful sound affects my mood. It is such a state changer and i love it.

Owl City is the soundtrack to my life i have decided. My mom once told me that and ever since i have heard owl city, that is what i think of.

Not much today. Just about to go to bed. :)

Proud.

Proud is a word that I don't hear very often. Or maybe I do hear it, but I don't hear it to the extent that I do now.

My mom told me yesterday she was proud of me.

Best feeling in the world. Just to know that the woman who gave birth to you, the woman you have fought for, for years has told you whole heartedly that she is proud of you.

And this time I actually listened.

♥

Garfunkel and Oates

I woke up today scared.

Scared because officially yesterday Greg and I moved in fully together. If things were to not work out, it is going to hurt 300 times more. I woke up and i'm so scared because i want this to work so much and I can't see myself with anyone else but him. He is one that I could spend the rest of my life with. But, if it doesn't work, I know i will be strong and move on. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Anyway sorry that was kind of a side note. On the other hand today I woke up in a good mood as well. I have had this band Garfunkle and Oates stuck in my head all morning. They are such a funny band talking about a lot of things that girls either can't talk about, or that we want to talk about but we are embarressed to say anything! They really are super funny to listen to. *sigh* I love them. :)

My power 90 goal is going ok so far. I mean besides the fact that I am actually negative balance in my account. I still have faith I will learn the tools of the trade and be able to get that $10,000. I just need to have faith that i really don't know what i'm doing yet and that I will eventually. I have posted sticky notes everywhere from on the toilet to the fridge even to the front door of what my goal is. just so that i can remember it everywhere I go and remember that it is possible. I just need to keep thinking positvely!

And the beat goes on...

Well the days go on, one by one and i'm having a harder time everyday that goes on. I am still feeling alone an having a hard time moving through alone. I know i'm not because i have my buddy, Casey, but i mean physically. I am constantly physically alone. And the only time i really am excited to do anything is when i go to school because i'm constantly surrounded by people. Today though, i'm going to have a better day. Grego and I are going to RC willey to look at couches and to go to lunch together. So that will brighten my mood.

Today I am going to do 2 momentums.
1. Choice process
2. paint my nails aqua to remind myself of Ms. Gaga and that beautiful hair she has :)

Then I am going to study. I mean really study. I keep saying that I will but never do. And i need to remember that I WILL get $10,000 so that i never have to worry about being dependent on anyone anymore :) Anyway, treking on to the next day!

Outlook and the beginning of my 90 goal

Blogging. Something I have always had a really hard time with. It’s very narcissistic and very much just for bragging. But this blog is for me to watch my journey through my 90 day goal of having $10,000 in my account at the end of 90 days. I am nervous. I’m not going to lie. I am terrified and worried that I am not going to achieve my goal and that I will look at myself as a failure. But what do I have to lose? Nothing.

I have had a really hard time this past week. I have been living alone. Greg and I got an apartment together and I haven’t seen him since I have moved in. He is moving in this weekend, but I haven’t seen him! So I have been alone, and that is one of my flaws. I hate to be alone. I love not living with roommates, but it’s hard living without anyone there, without being able to watch movies on tv, to not have a bed. But I am enjoying not having the drama. ☺

One of the things I need to remember is to do a positive review every time I have a hard time during the day. So here is my positive review today:

1. I went to school on time, not being tired, and even got a seat on the train
2. Ate chicken nuggets!
3. Played on my new Mac Book
4. Going to the Utah game
5. Able to watch spongebob and take a nap.

Good day. Just need to keep remembering that