Random thoughts.

People have a really hard time keeping promises. Either fear, resentment, anger or sadness hold them back from what their potential could be. Saying what you promise to do and following through with it is a small thing that can be a huge difference in a relationship. I have encountered friends and people in my life who had said they would do something for me or would show up somewhere or would even text me to let me know about something important who do not follow through. It is something that is a pet peeve of mine. "Say what you're going to do, then do what you said you would do." It is something I have tried to live by for the last year. It's a motto I believe is strong and stands firm as to what people should do.

Understandably and reasonably, things do come up. Accidents, emergencies etc. But letting the person know of such events is something that can help with that. Following through is one reason why I'm so paticular about my friends and why I don't have very many. Most of the friends I have had don't follow through on what they said they would do for me or even in life. Someone who has such character is someone I don't trust. Reasons why I have major trust issues when keeping friends. I only allow certain people close to my heart. Those who know how close they are to my heart can feel the warmth and beat of it.

It's been a hard week. Yet rewarding at the same time. I'm grateful for the trials we all have to go through. They may be tough, but we really don't know what God has in his plan for us. I know God is a topic that can be touchy, but it really is true. He has a set plan and trials and tribulations for us each to go through that build us up and create a character in us that is unbreakable. I have and am going through what I'm going through because God has a plan for me to be stronger than I am today. It's a powerful concept and not easily grasped for me at all times. It really puts things in perspective when I find myself starting to judge someone. "You don't know what trials I have put her through." - God. How strong is that? I mean to think that we aren't the only people that go through such things?

Passion is something in me that is really natural something that I just have and always have had even as a small child. My mom really is the reason for that passion that burns inside me. She is the one that has built me up to be the beautiful person I am. And every single day I know I make her proud. that is a gift. To truly know that you are making your own mother proud. she is someone I will always and forever have in my life. thanks to her, I am passionate and caring for people and more importantly myself.

My horoscope was realy interesting today: You have grown mistrustful of someone youused to trust and respect. This person has done something that wounded you, and you are having a hard time seeing this indvidual in the smae warm light y ou once did. This is a case of miscommunication, Moonchild. You probably don't fully understand what caused your loved one to do what was done. There is something from this person's past that led him or her to treat you in a certain way, but it was really out of love and out of a desire to protect you. Be open-minded and try to forgive- it will be well worth the effort.

That is eerily perfect for me right now. Someone has mistrusted me. They have decided running is best. and have failed to follow through. Doing what they said they would do is something that is not in their vocabulary. unfortunately. The one down fall that I have is wearing my heart literally on my sleeve and letting things go. I'm a supporter. I care too much about people and forget to take care of myself and that is what I am failing to do right now. I need to let the water roll off my back and forget what they have done. I also heard a cool quote tonight :

Vital / Perspective

Perspective is something that really determines our reality in life. Being able to change your perspective can really alter and change our life in so many aspects. It is pretty incredible to me that we realize in order to change our lives all we need to do is flip that little switch in our mind on our perspective and our whole world and views change in an instant. Just a little thought that was on my mind this last week. Pretty neat.

As I'm recently doing more and more self growth, I'm realizing once again who is in my life and why they are in my life. You know how we always like to do a spring cleaning when we are going through a new season with our clothes or even our home items? I'm that way with people. I realize if they are vital in my life and if they are ok to rid of. I have done that on facebook and other social media ways, but it really puts you in a situation that is interesting. I love all the people in my life, but there are those that are bad seeds that are negative all the time and jealous and I have decided to rid of them. It has been difficult, but I believe I am successful. There is no point in having people in our lives that don't lift us up and inspire us. It just drags us down an makes us feel bad about ourselves. At least you have the memories of them and you move on. Even though I don't have many friends, maybe a handful-ish they are vital to me and that should also make them feel important just as they make me feel important.

Pride

Pride is something that really prohibits us from doing a lot of things that we might actually enjoy. It also could prohibit us from reconnecting with friends after a fight, or even with family. I have had to let go of my pride on several occasions this week.

Even when we think we are right in a certain situation or not, we need to learn to let go of those walls and choose peace over war. It is a lesson that takes years and years to learn, but when we realize it's the best option, it can create miracles.

Also learning to ask for help. I did that this week too. I asked for help from my Outlook friends. Thankfully many pulled through for me. Especially a few that really clicked in for my guru to focus again.

pride. sigh. Reminds me of Pride Rock from Lion King. Which brings me to my next point... I'm getting a tattoo tomorrow night. yes you heard right *saw right?* I am getting a tattoo. It will have Simba *the drawing on the tree by Rifiki* And underneath it will say; Remember Who You Are. Pic below :) I'm nervous about judgement, but then again it is a symbol and reminder of my parents. They have always taught me to remember who I am. And when the movie came out, my mom took me and my sister to it EVERY Saturday at the movie theater by our house. It is such a reminder of so many things... So ... Don't hate ;)

Tondue and in.Tondue and in. Plie and straighten.

Ballet used to be something I dreaded going to. Every Wednesday and Monday I believe is when I had it. It got tiring and old and boring. I was exhausted all the time and I hated even thinking about it. WHAT was I THINKING?! I love ballet. As an adult I have learned to appreciate it more and learn the art of movement within ballet. I love the music, the flow the grace and more importantly the confidence it brings me. the fact that I can still do a lot of what the teacher is telling me to do really surprises me. I remember the terms, the lifts, and even the counts. I love it.

I have decided to start up again. During the fall/school I'm planning on taking ballet classes at Ballet West. They have a 10 class punch card for $95 for students. That is a steal to be taught by Ballet West performers and to build my strength and endurance as well. I plan on buying that hopefully soon. The company I'm with right now is The Dance Company. (original right?) and I'm not 100% sure they are doing adult fall classes for ballet, but if they are you bet I'll be doing them too. It's a lot of money, but it truly is an investment in my body and self confidence.

I'm really excited for school to start up in August. It's a time of the year I dread when I'm doing it, but before it starts I get really excited. I'm nervous though because grego is going into school really heavily this semester so it always makes me worry about how we are going to do, but I'm excited because I'm going to be studying too with him and something I LOVE to do so it makes it that much easier to study, if that made any sense. Yes I am going to Amarillo College for their mortuary program :) Very thrilled I was accepted into the program. Haven't really told a whole lot of people, because it's kind of an odd thing to say, but I'm pretty happy about it.

I've recently have started noticing people. details about people. A lot of people gossip and back bite, and a lot of people are genuine to others. I have learned a lot this last 6 months about all of that, and I have come to the conclusion that I need to stop either helping the gossip or even talking about it. It's not ok. What if we don't know the back story of that person or even they might be going through some things that we can never understand. I'm getting sick of the world relying on gossip or back biting to get to know someone. It really is hurtful, So I am going to make sure that I worry about what I'm doing in my own world and if I accept who I am and love who I am. Because once you love who you are, people will see how beautiful you are and learn to love you too. Positivity attracts positivity. So many quotes that I would love to type here but I don't remember them all. One thing my mom has always taught me is to make sure you're doing things right and loving who you are and everything will fall into place.

keep on keeping on.

Writing is a way for me to get out what I'm thinking either on paper or electronic paper. It's really nice to just get it out and see who says what and even just to read back what I wrote and see if it even makes sense.

Last night I went to ballet. Ballet is challenging because I haven't been in so long. It's been 4 years. But I'm not looking to become a professional or anything. I just want to be in shape, and eventually be on pointe. nothing too challenging just enough that I feel I can have my body back and know that I can actually do the training again. Well I was originally taking the beginner class and realized it was too easy. I moved up to the intermediate. and immediately regretted it. There were two other girls in the class and they were very well trained. I mean to the point where I felt embarrassed. But I kept on keeping on and decided to not let it get to me.

Then the teacher made me look like I was a fool for even trying. She mocked me and refused to answer a question I had about the combination. Not that I had a question about what something was, just that I needed to know what the next step was, well she wouldn't even look at me. I was so ashamed. I am a lot bigger than the girls in that class and I couldn't believe how ashamed I was. I ran out early because I was on the verge of crying. I debated about going back and I even thought why the hell did I even try going back!?

Then it came back to me. passion. I am doing it for the passion I have when I perform or the passion I have when i'm listening to music. I decided to go back to the beginning class. But I couldn't believe that the teacher would do that to someone who is going to better themselves in something they love in life. it was really awful. But I realized it's not about me, it's about her and something she has to deal with that I'm not aware of.

People are great. People have good hearts, but sometimes they make bad decisions. It's hard but we need to understand that when they do something to us, it's never personal. NEVER. Even when they make a comment specifically about us, it is never ever about us. always about their insecurities and their own faults.

on another note, I finally got a job at a mortuary. yes. finally. It's part part part time, meaning 6-10 hours every other week, but it's a foot in the door and in a month or two I will be able to be an apprentice! which means a full time job. Hopefully that happens sooner than later. I start July 5th. Perfect. So I can finally spend the 4th with grego. We have never spent the 4th together! he is always working or I am! yay. anyway. had to write about ballet. ta ta.

Dropped

That last two days have been quite interesting. It has been slammed at work. I mean completely busy with very few people here. 3 people called in last night and then we are down one person tonight. It's totally fine I work with some good people so we were able to handle it, but that is besides the point. The last two days, even though they have been rough at work, I have been feeling pretty dang good. I haven't really slept the best, but when I do wake up, I get in the shower, dressed, getting ready for work, and I feel awesome. I have this picture of Marilyn Monroe in my bathroom and everytime I look at her and then look at my own body I am so proud to be who I am. Marilyn was a size 16. Did you know that? 16! In today's society, that isn't a good thing. WHATEVER I say! We are all beautiful no matter number or sizes and I love it. I really have accepted my body and the weight i'm at. I have struggled forever with it, but you know what? I'm sexy! I love it! Marilyn Monroe did it. Why can't I?

I have left my house every day just thrilled with my body. It shows too. People have given me compliments on how nice I look or I look happy. It's so nice. I don't care anymore. I want to be healthy and do the things I love to do, but I'm done pressuring myself to be a size zero with no curves. It a stupid expectation. No one else expects me to be that small, so why should I even care? This doesn't mean i'm not working out and keeping healthy. Just means i'm dropping the expectations. :)

In other news... Guess where I am going on Tuesday ?? :????DLFJDL?FJDLKFJDLKFJDLKJFDKJF?? DISNEYLAND!!!! FREAKING OUT!!!!! Angela and I are going to Disneyland Tuesday and coming home Wednesday night. I'm so thrilled and excited. I can't believe it! Disneyland for me is a home away from home. It is so fun and magical. It truly is. I have it on my background at work, and I just am counting the days till it's Tuesday morning. :) LOVE DISNEYLAND.

Fierce Hunty!

Drag Queens. Something I have found recently that I find beautiful and fascinating. so I decided to write a post about them because a lot of people are offended by them or they just really don't understand them!

RuPaul's drag race is a T.V. show I started watchin on Netflix about 3 months ago and that is where I fell in love. It's a show about drag queens competing to be the most fierce. It's exactly like America's Next Top Model, but drag queens competeing for the crown. They create their own outfits and create characters that are amazing. It's just such an art form to watch them transform into their drag character. Some were really amazing and beautiful some, not so much... Here are some of my favorites from the show:

Pandora Boxx

she is one that matches my personality like crazy. She has the "campy" sense of humor and is very much a fun loving queen. she has a certain style that is unique to her and is absoultely flawless on her. She is very down to Earth too. She isn't a bitchy queen and is willing to pour her heart out if you get the right setting. She loves talking to her fans too. I have had the opportunity to speak to Pandora through Twitter and Facebook. I love Pandora Boxx she is one queen that really showed me that we should be proud of who we are whatever past we come from.

Manila Luzon

Manila is a queen who is so funny and kwirky that it almost drives you nuts :) She knows what style is and knows how to pull it off well. She can paint her face like no one's business. (will explain terms in the end) Manila also has a single out that is called "Hot Couture" that song has gotten me through some hard nights at work. She knows how to werk the runway and is always talking to her fans. (fanilas) She likes to "like" posts from her Fanilas on facebook so that makes it fun. She lives in NYC and is always out doing her thang!

RuPaul

RuPaul is the supermodel of the world. she is in her fifties and she knows what it takes to reach the top. She has had a rough past and yet is on top. She is the drag queen of all drag queens. She has been around a long time and knows how to werk! She is the host of her own TV show, RuPaul's Drag Race and is so funny. There are so many inuendos it's hilarious. She knows how to talk to people and has such a positive outlook on life it is so inspiring. RuPaul is on my list of people to meet and of inspiring people. I sure do love her

Sharon Needles

Sharon Needles is a queen that is new in the industry. she pushes the limits and knows how to werk hunty! She is a drag version of Lady gaga! THe underdog and cinderella story on RuPaul's drag race season4 :) I absolutely love Sharon Needles I think she is inspiring and not a bitchy queen. She knows her stuff and knows what to do to turn heads. She is so fierce and I voted for her last season :) She also has such a good spirit. and is very very humble.

The terms that are very associated with drag queens are as follows:

Fish: an awesome queen that knows her stuff! and looks good

Paint: When a queen says paint your face it means putting make-up on and making her look purrty.

Werk: Another way to spell Work :)

Hunty: Another way to say Hunny

Charisma, Uniquness, Nerve, and Talent: Take the first letter of each of those words ;)

Anyway Just a little tad bit on my favorite queens and some cool things to know :)

Say what you're going to do, and do what you said you would do.

***remember I don't proof read my blogs. I feel like if I do, I would edit too much.****

People lately have been not doing what they said they would do. From hanging out, to giving me a job, to friend's bailing out, to co-workers not assisting me with work. It gets old really quick and really fast.

I have learned a very cool characteristic with the saying as the title of my blog post today. Say what you're going to do, and do wha you said you would do. It is something that I have lived by since August. I believe if you really say you're going to do something, you need to follow through, otherwise people will not believe you if you ever make plans. I have learned that in life as I'm sure all of you have. It's something I believe if people really followed, everyone would be happier and we would have better relationships. It's all about being respectful and making sure you are responsible for your actions. For some reason last week was a week for people to not do what they said they would do, and it was heart breaking. I have not let them down, and yet people feel it's ok to let me down. It is ok, I'm not mad, I just think it shows how important you really are to that person you know?

I believe it's something everyone should take on. It's a pretty cool trait I think.

Diamonds On The Inside.

Tonight as I am working I realized there is a song on my ipod by Ben Harper called Diamonds on the inside. It inspired me to write this blog post this early morning.

We are all misunderstood at one point or another. A lot of folks find me very annoying, rude, judgemental, and even bitchy. Which yeah I may annoy you with my bold strong personality and the way I speak and the way I dress. But I wear diamonds on the inside. I believe I am perfect the way I am. That includes all of my flaws and all of my upsets. Especially when it comes to the passion that lives and breathes within my soul.

A lot of people are intimidated by my passion. Passion is a strong emotion that quite a few people take wrong. I notice that when I am really excited about something, people either draw towards me, or they flee. I have many many flaws. Don't get me wrong, but I do believe that my passion for life and people is one of my biggest strengths. I was asked a couple months ago, "Why are you so passionate about everything? It gets kind of annoying." I responded with I just am enjoying life.

As you grow older you learn more and more about who you really are and who you try to be and who you wanted to be. It's funny how people say to change your perspective it's like putting on a pair of glasses. Funny story. I just bought some new glasses. I love them. They look awesome. They are the typical Geek/Hipster black glasses. The frame my face well and bring out my personality very well. When I put the glasses on, I saw a new perspective. I love who I am. I have fought and fought that I am NOT a geek. Tried to be a girly girl, tried to be fashionista, but it has always been a challenge. I finally accepted that I am a geek. A nerd. A nerd who loves video games. I love the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I love my Kindle. I wear mismatching things. I wear shirts that offend. I will make funny jokes. I know my cars. I am the girl the guys like to have around. And you know what, putting those glasses on really made me realize I love me. I love who I am. And as soon as I accepted that fact, people look at me differently. People will turn their heads to see me! I orignially thought I had something on my face when greg turned to me and said nope, you just look amazing.

I guess my point is, I realize the people who love me for who I am are the best. They know my diamonds on the inside and they know to forgive my mistakes when they know it's out of character for me. I am one lucky girl who is blessed to be a part of this life and to live free. I love it. It's like that quote by Dr. Suess; "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter."

Everything Is Different.

There are some things that just will stay the same. One thing for me. Work. Work is something that used to be something I enjoyed doing and coming to. Not anymore. Work is something I loath. Something that makes wiping someone's ass so much better than what I'm doing right now. I know it sucks to hear people be negative etc. I'm not being negative on this blog, I'm stating the truth. My job at the lab is something that I feel wastes away my liking for life. I go in every day and see the people who loathe me. They would say it's my fault. It's my own doing. In reality it's our own doing. WE messed up. I have the hardest time when people do not take responsibility for their own actions. Yeah I messed up. I'll admit it, but so did you guys. All three of you. You know exactly who you are. After excluding them out of my life things have changed and everything is different. I have a passion for what i'm doing in school that I have never had before. I'm growing constantly. Every single day. It's something that is really scary. Most can say that when you're twenty two you're supposed to be out partying living it up and being immature. I have never been so proud of myself. I was accept to a school I'm dying to go to. I have genuine friends who love my heart and excuse my mistakes. My character means so much to them. They love the genuine person I am. *these are never in order* Angela: You never read this. I don't even think you know about this blog but here goes. Angela, you really are such an inspiration and a shoulder I lean on. I love you. I never say it, but you are one of my rocks in my life. I will always be here for you and always support you because you are constantly doing that for me. You are constnatly helping me chase the dreams I want to acheive and smack me when I do something I know is dumb and you know I know it's dumb. You are beautiful in everyway. You are someone I love taking pictures of for my portfolio because you are your true self. There are days I know I haven't done much for you and you do so much for me, but you forgive me and we will always be friends no matter where we are in life and where life takes us. You are vital in my life. You are such a good friend. Thank you. Kaylie: You and I had a falling out. Yes we did, but we grew. The other night when we talked, I have never felt so close to you. I have never felt that love for you that I had that night. I care so much about you and your wittle family. Zoey is so beautiful and to see her smile and laugh and to know you created that gives me hope that I may one day be a beautiful mother. YOu are such an example to me. You love our lord. You worship him and have a strong testimony of his word. You show me that it is ok to be you, and be who you want to be. I can go to church and be just the same when I come out, but stronger. You have helped me realize that judgement is something we learn to let go of. You are one that I can rely on with any emotion trauma or problem I am having. You have supported me so much and I am so much more grateful now than I ever have been for you. You are vital in my life. And I appreciate who you are and who you are becoming because I am learning through you to be a better person. I love you. Thank you Greg: You are one of the only people next to my mama who understands my core. You brighten my day when I wake up next to you still sleeping. I love sleeping next to you and grabbing your hand as we are both still asleep. There have been times when I will wake up and our hands are between us clasped tight and our noses pressed against each other and we are asleep. loving each other through our dreams. You are the one person I can walk around in my underwear with and be 100% ok with it. YOu love every curve, every dimple, every line every hair on my body. No matter how it looks. You are and always have been such an example to me. I love you so much and I can't believe I even let you go. I know we have a long road to go, but I know you and I will work out and spend our lives togther. You are my world, and when I see you and you kiss me, the world does melt around me and I feel as though I'm the most important person on this Earth to you. You are vital in my life. I love you so much my grego. Thank you. Mama: Are there really words to what you do for me? Nope. BUt I will sure as hell try. Mom you are the most accepting person I have ever met. You love me for who I am, who I'm trying to be and who I aspire to be. You are the most influential person in my life. Without you I would not be here. Without you I would probably doing things that I wouldn't want to be doing in this life. I love you mom and I am so thankful and blessed you are my mother. I love you. You are vital to me in my life. Thank You. Casey: You are and were my buddy. I miss you. I know our lives have outstretched to the point of an everyday call is impossible, but I want you to know that I love you. I care about you. I think about you often. I miss outlook because of you. You supported me. I supported you. WE lifted EACH OTHER up! You are such a beautiful person. I don't think you believe that at times, but you are. You beam with confidence. I am so proud to say I was and am your buddy. You are also such an example of how to be non judgemental. Especially when it came to me. I'm very much out there and you embraced me and loved me for who I am and who I was growing into being. I love you so much and I know you are going to be doing great things in life and change so many people's outlook on life. I love you so much./ You are vital in my life. Thank you. Vickie: I love watching your little girl grow. You are such an amazing mama and I love watching her through the technology we currently using in this world. You have always been a good friend of mine. Distance has made it more difficult, but even though distance is something that seperates us, I feel close to you. SHaring each others life through youtube and facebook have really connected us in a way that we couldn't when you were here. I am so grateful I am still in contact with you and knowing you are so well and loving life with your amazing husband and beautiful daughter. You are vital in my life. Thank you. Steven: We don't speak anymore. And it's for the best. But I know you read this. I know you check on me to make sure I'm ok and that you still care about me. Know this, I care about you too. I know your brother just left for school and I'm excited for you to start a new adventure by moving out etc. I hate working with you. Given fact. I'm sure you can tell. BUt know this, I'm so grateful you were in my life that time you were. You had me learn lessons I'm sure no one else can teach me. And I'm so thankful for that. Even if it hurt. I'm forever thankful. You helped me find my passion in mortuary science when I was constantly questioning it before class started. You are a pretty cool person and I hope you find what you are looking for in life. You were vital in my life. Thank you. ALyssa/Peanut: You are beautiful. Whatever anyone tells you. Cry. Please cry as much as you want. Love it when you cry. Love who you are when you are vulnerable. When you are vulnerable you invite others to be vulnerable with you. You are an inpiration to many. You show others that following the rules isn't always the best way to get things done. You are amazing. Full of light and life. Believe that about yourself. Believe you are capable of doing anything in this world. You are extremely smart and full of abundance. Passion is your middle name. Peanut Passion. You need to believe that and live that. I love you Alyssa. I do. Even though this is me talking to myself. Know, I love you. YOU ARE VITAL In yourlife, and Everyone who comes in contact with you. I love you. Thank you. Sorry for some reason it doesn't let me do paragraphs when I publish the post... ? hm.

Loving what is, and appreciating who YOU are.

One of my good friends Kaylie bought me a book. Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson. The most inspiring, motivating, entrancing book I have ever read. I recommend everyone read this. It is a book that you will laugh to, cry, and feel the spirit more than any other book. Reading this book has been a really big eye opener for me as well. Loving what is. Either changing it so you are happier, or loving it for what it is. Stephanie went through trauma. She went through so much and came out stronger in life than ever before. I am going through hard times, yet good times. As we all are as human beings. We all grow and learn from each other and take and give through out our whole life. Some take more than others, others give more than they take. I have experience both. As I'm sure you all have at some point or another in this life. But one thing that really has caught me off guard is growth. The amount of growth that I have accomplished within this year alone is astounding. We all know we are growing emotionally, physically and mentally, but do we ever really notice? I have. And this book really made me appreciate what I am doing in life and living it to the fullest. You never know when life might stop giving you lemons and you stop making lemonade.

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
You begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
You begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much,
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn,
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

You know...

You know how love can make you feel pathetic? Make you feel so lost, alone, weak? I found it. I am so in love guys. In love with a man. In love with a man that has had my heart for 2.5 years. A man that makes me weak at the knees. Weak at the smell of him, weak at the thought of him. I cry every single damn day because I lost him. I thought I was supposed to trek this journey of life alone for a little while, thought I was supposed to leave him. I wasn't. I lost him. And I'm trying to get him back. trying to prove to him that he is my everything and that he can trust me that I know I won't leave him. I was selfish. And I didn't let myself enjoy every single waking moment. It's really true that saying, you don't know what you've got till it's gone. I'm sitting here at my mom's house, crying. sobbing. I just wish that he would realize that I love him so much. I hurt him. Bad. I know that I did. And now I have hurt myself. I have made it so that every single day, I write him a love note in my notebook. not that I plan on ever showing him, but it helps me release my feelings about him. I text him everyday. I try and show him that I love him. I care for him so much. I love him so much, but he still doesn't trust me. What can I do to show him? What is something I can do? I would give up anything and everything to be with the man I love. I was going to marry him. He was going to ask me to marry him. I screwed it up. I ruined it all and now I need to know what to do to earn him trust back. I'm trying so hard to be patient and to appreciate that we are just hanging out right now, but my heart is sobbing and breaking every day that he doesn't ask me to come home. I hurt like he hurt when I left him. I feel like i'm dying just little bit every day. I have lost friends, I have lost motivation, I have lost so much in life without him. I know that's so pathetic, but I found the one that drives me in life. My future. My love. And I lost him.

I love.

I am learning to love everything.


Love.

It is honestly everywhere and we just walk right past it.

Take Care

Realizing that you are alone in this trek called life, is kind of a slap in the face, yet really exciting. You think your friends will be with you, thick, or thin, reality is, they are there when it is convenient for them. The only person is there for me through anything, my mama. I love her so much. I am so excited that I am 22 and I am learning to be the woman I am wanting to be in this life. It is really awesome and amazing.


I went to class tonight. Mortuary class. LOVED it. He brought a casket into class to show us the proper way to close and open one with family and the body inside. He also put make-up on my hand to show me what it looks like to reconstruct someone. It was amazing. It showed me again, how passionate I am about this occupation. I love it. I love being around the dead, being around people who work with the dead, and I just love assisting those who have passed on. It is such an amazing gift that I am proud to own that I am passionate about this job choice. If only I could be working in it right now.


This song Take Care by Drake Ft. Rihanna has really caught my attention. "I know you've been hurt, by someone else." It reminds me of myself. It reminds me to take care of myself. Love myself and take care of myself first. Anyway, enough rambling for now.

Mortuary Science

So in case you guys don't know, I am studying to be a mortician. I want to be one so dang bad. I think it just goes really well with my personality and life style. It is something I find great satisfaction and joy in. I love it.

Tonight as I was reading my textbook for class on Mortuary Science, I had the goosebumps. It was amazing. You know that you are going into the right field when you find your textbook more interesting than free reading. I love my textbook. I read so much tonight and I feel like I just absorbed SO much information. I mean how cool at 22 I know I want to be a mortician. How many people can say that? Not a lot that is for sure.

That is where I know that I am unique. Well one area that I know that I am unique. I love being involved in other's lives in that sense. It is so peaceful for me and calming. It also makes sense with the gift that I have of seeing spirits and talking to them. It is something that is growing stronger within the last month or so, and it excites me that I can use my gift when I am a mortician.

This week is a somewhat busy week for me. It is Valentine's day on Tuesday, and for the first time in a long long time, I am not happy about this holiday. I think we should skip it for us single sad girls. haha. No no no, I love this day because I get to show the people I care about them that I truly love them and care deeply for them. I mean yes the relationship aspect of the situation is not pleasant, but I love seeing people in love. :) Anyway enough for now. Today was a good day. Can you tell? I am happy today. :)

New York City

On Tuesday night at midnight I flew out to New York City. Just for the day. I arrived at JFK airport around 0600 and immediately felt at peace. Stepping off the plane there is this certain smell of JFK airport and it sent chills up and down my spine and arms. I love that airport no matter how little space there is and how there is not a whole lot of places to relax and eat.

I raced to the Airtrain that takes you to the subway. Luckily I have been so often, that I know exactly which line to catch, and where it will take me. I got on the Airtrain and enjoyed the beautiful sunrise all the way to the subway.
I got off the train and bought my subway ticket. Waiting for the subway was interesting. People look at you funny if you are smiling so happy to be where you are. :)

I got on the train and sat next to this girl who was just blaring her music and I loved every second of it. The train got crowded because of the morning rush, but it was so cool to smell all the smells and to hear everyone with their music. I got off the train at Canal Street so I could transfer to the WTC train. I got to the WTC and immediately was overwhelmed. I cry every single time I step foot on ground zero. It is such a place of strength and sorrow. I feel all the energy of that day. The pain, hurt, hate, sadness, it hurts my soul and overwhelms my heart.

I decided it was too early to really do anything so I decided to go do the Statue Of Liberty. 13.00 got me my ticket to Liberty Island and Ellis Island. The Lady Liberty was beautiful. She is such a symbol of our country and how cool I was so close to her. You can see the representation of what she mean by just pictures, but in person she takes your breath away. I absolutely just fell in love.

Ellis Island was pretty cool as well. I walked in and I could hear all the hustle and bustle of the immigrants with their suitcases and how they were excited to be off the ship. I could feel the crowded hallways and the corridors. It was amazing.

I got back to the mainland and had lunch etc. Then it was time to see if I could get tickets for the 9/11 Memorial. You have to get tickets in advance or else you can't go see it. Luckily, there was one ticket left for 230, and I got it. They have really intense security there so just like the airport and even Lady Liberty, I went through intense security. But walking onto that memorial, you forget everything. You forget who you were and why you are where you are. I felt an overwhelming adoration for this spot. I could see myself coming every afternoon with my lunch and eating here. Feeling the beauty of the memorial. It took my breath away and I cried and cried.

9/11 will always and forever carry a special place in my heart and soul. I now wear a bracelet everyday that reminds me of my love for 9/11 and how I donated money that day to rebuild our towers.

It was time to say goodbye.

I hopped on the train back to the airport, and waited about 3 hours, and flew back home to SLC. I had an amazing time. maybe I will go again next week or something. Just absolutely beautiful and I know I am meant to live there one day.

I'll Take You There

I have decided something pretty important laying here next to my monster Clementine...

I am so awesome! If someone doesn't want to be with me/by my friend/love me/appreciate me, WHY is it worth my time and energy?? It's SO not.

I am so funny, I'm laying here in bed watching Portlandia for the 1500th time and just enjoying the sound of my laughter. I haven't laughed like this is such a long time. When I wake up from my nap from working all night, I'm going to put cute clothes on, makeup and look good for me! I seriously am falling in love with myself. Not like the greek myth of Narcissus, but enough to enjoy my own company and my own love and energy.

I'll Take You There. This song is seriously stuck in my head every time I watch Portlandia. It is in the first episode and it seriously is SO funny. If I was to produce a TV show, it would have to be Portlandia. *sigh*

tip toe

It's quite interesting to me,

when people put there heart out there, out to be admired, out to be loved, out to be adored, people smash it.

It's interesting when people get what they were itching for when they couldn't have it, they don't want it anymore.

Yep. Happened this week.

The little things in life are some of the most precious things...

I am seeing the little things.

I see everything right now. I feel like i'm taking everything in and seeing what there is to see. Hearing the soft sounds, the hard sounds, I just feel almost a certain high that all my senses are intense. I haven't had this feeling before, and it's something that is hard to describe. I have no idea what this feeling is, but I am in love with it.

I notice the smiles. I notice the dark behind the eyes, I see you crying inside, I see you wanting her, I see you wanting him. I see you wanting me to notice you. I see you wanting to be seen. I am seeing everything right now. I am clicked in. I am in my zone. I think this is the starting of me becoming the master of influence through X-Trainer.

The Experience is on Monday, and it couldn't come at a more perfect time. The Experience is where us X-Trainers get all dolled up like we are going to the Oscars and go to such a fancy dinner and that's all we really know. I can't wait. It is going to be a huge eye opener.

On another note, have you ever wanted to be noticed so badly that you feel you screaming at the top of your lungs and no one looks?

I currently feel this way.

You know I believe in how.

Something in the way she moves,
Attracts me like no other lover.
Something in the way she woos me.
I don't want to leave her now,
You know I believe and how.

Somewhere in her smile she knows,
That I don't need no other lover.
Something in her style that shows me.
I don't want to leave her now,
You know I believe and how.

You're asking me will my love grow,
I don't know, I don't know.
Stick around, and it may show,
But I don't know, I don't know.

Something in the way she knows,
And all I have to do is think of her.
Something in the things she shows me.
I don't want to leave her now.
You know I believe and how.


If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
'cause I've been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands

If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her

If I trust in you, oh please
Don't run and hide
If I love you too, oh please
Don't hurt my pride like her
'cause I couldn't stand the pain
and i would be sad
if i new love was in vain

So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two
cause I couldn't stand the pain
and I would be sad if our new love was in vain

so I hope you see that I
would love to love you
and that she will cry when she learns we are two.




If I fell in love with you

Truth.

This song is hitting my soul this week.

When you find yourself
In some far off place
And it causes you to rethink some things
You start to sense that slowly
You're becoming someone else
And then you find yourself

When you make new friends in a brand new town
And you start to think about settlin' down
The things that would have been lost on you
Are now clear as a bell
And you find yourself
Yeah that's when you find yourself

Where you go through life
So sure of where you’re headin'
And you wind up lost and it's
The best thing that could have happened
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah that’s when you find yourself

When you meet the one
That you've been waitin' for
And she's everything that you want and more
You look at her and you finally start to live for some one else
And then you find yourself
That’s when you find yourself

When we go through life
So sure of where we're headin'
And we wind up lost and it's
The best thing that could have happened
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah that's when you find yourself

Skydiving ♥

Arriving at the Outlook offices, my heart was beating fast, my legs were feeling like jello, I felt like throwing up might be the best option before walking in, but I resisted.

I walk in to the offices and immediately feel relief. I feel at peace with the decision I have decided to jump out of an airplane. I am going to face my fears. I am going to accomplish something that I will always remember for the rest of my life.

Talking with the group about things we are about to let go before we head to the site was actually a conversation I was dreading. I did not want to face the things about myself I want to let go and that I am scared of. I was not ok with this decision that I had to make.

We held a rock in our hand the entire time we were in the conversation. Representing things that we hang on to that prevent us from flying. Mine: Feeling Ashamed. Feeling worthless. Having expectations. I threw that rock on the ground and left it there so I could fly in the sky with my X-Trainer family.

We had lunch at this delicious pizza place.

We got to Ogden.

I almost peed myself.

walking into that red hangar really wasn't a challenge I stood tall and ran in so excited to take on an adventure that I will never forget.

I signed my life away.

put on my pink jumpsuit and funny hat. (speaking of which I just realized writing this, the pink jumpsuit I wore matches my skydiving bracelet I wear everyday. :) how adorable and sweet.)

I meet my dude.

He is so nice.

We head to the plane I wave goodbye to everyone waiting for me at the bottom.

The Plane takes off.

I shake so much.

He tells me that I will put my toes to the edge of the plane and he will roll out with me on his belly.

Bellybutton
Breathe
Banana.

I can do this.

I step out on the edge and I take one look down and feel immediate peace.

floating on a cloud with the pressure catching me and I can't hear a single thing. I am at peace. I feel amazing. invincible. I feel like superman. It will be an experience I will never want to forget.

The chute opens.

We do some gliding.

I land in smoothly on my bum.

I am so thrilled to become the new person that I am. I SPRINT to everyone waiting for me and give hugs and almost burst into tears. I am a new person. I am who I want to be. I want to be that person that can say they have been skydiving and they love it. I AM THAT PERSON.
The love I feel when I get off that plane was so beautiful. People all around me genuinely care about me. And it is something that I am forever grateful for.

God's View...

Tomorrow I will be in the sky with the clouds. Creating a new view of things from up above.

God's view of the world.


Wish me luck.

Authentic Self

Being the fun loving person I am, I tend to be a little too forgiving, not set boundaries and just let people walk all over me. That is not how I want to keep doing things. Today I realized when I was on the phone with my coach, Curtis, that I have rid myself of at least, 5 people from my life with who I thought were my friends. They are not in my life anymore. No longer a part of my friendship circle. I have let them go.

Why?

I was evaluating this while on the phone, and I realized that I set boundaries for those 5 people. I set the boundary and the crossed the line and received the consequence of losing me in their life. They have chosen the path they wanted to take and they have now gone and done their own thing without a second though. I am living my authentic self. I am being true to who I am by setting those boundaries with friends.

They have decided that my true authentic self is not what they see a friend as.

I don't and will not sacrifice my awesome self for people who do not appreciate me. And I have done that. Funny that even one of those who I let go, went through Power 90 with me. And she has chosen to rescue everyone in her life and be tired for as long as she chooses. And I do not need to be rescued. And I am so proud of that. I am Alyssa Mae Smith. "Peanut", and tonight I can honestly say that I love who I am. Down to the ugly scar on my hip. I love every part of me, because I change lives.

The picture posted shows that even in a crowd of people, I can still be authentic when I think no one is watching. (ps, for those who haven't seen me in quite a while. *vickie* my hair is not like that anymore. Back to my usual beautiful brown hair :) )

2012

Ringing in the new year was something that i had such a good time doing. I spent New Year's with friends that actually cared if I had a nice time and friends that love and support me in everything I am doing in my life. Grego was home :( He told me to go out with my friends. But I did spend New Year's day with him which made up for the night before :)

I recently have been in such a good mood to the point that my stomach can't eat anymore. Butterflies are in my tummy and they just will not get out. I love everyone. I love my few friends that I have, I love Greg, I love my family, I love people. I just am loving life. The way 2012 is supposed to start out for me.

My mom always told me that New Year's resolutions are dumb. She always said you can start a new one every day. Why wait till the beginning of the year? I used to not agree with her, but times have changed. I 100% agree with my mama. Every day is a new beginning when that sun rises up over the mountains, you can begin a new.

I am living every day as if it is my last.
I am doing one thing every day that scares me
I am loving people for something that makes them who they are
I am holding no judgement
I am not jealous
I am fit
I am living my passions.

I mean if I'm doing that every day, what I would make a new year's resolution out of. I'm pretty proud.