Brain Spill

Music is always something you can count on. It soothes me, excites me and get's me pumped to start the day. I've been thinking a lot about the music that I listen to and how it not only affects my mood, but how it actually affects my soul and character. I completely believe that I am an old soul. When people meet me, they either think I'm very young by how I look, or when they start to talk to me they think I am in my 30's. I get told very regularly how advanced I am for my age group. I am pretty insightful and have a soul that is worth exploring. Talking with those who are around my age that don't listen to me really bother me. I think our generation is full of selfish and have to have it NOW type of people. Life has always been a journey for me. I'm not in any hurry to get to 25 or even 30. I am enjoying today and remembering yesterday, and that's why I think I really enjoy old music. When I say old I mean 1960's and 1970's. To me, it's not that old, but that's what we call it now a days. I even wear clothes that probably older people wear. In some aspects I'm stuck in the 60's.

I don't mean to sound like I have a large ego in anyway at all, I just get very frustrated with today's younger crowd because we are not looking around and appreciating the life we have today. RIGHT NOW! Your lungs are breathing, your heart is beating. We should be grateful and thank God more for what he has given us rather than trying to get the newest and latest phone, or bigger place to live, or name brand clothes. We need to remember that the people we surround ourselves with define our character and will inevitably set an example for you that you will take for the rest of your life. We also worry too much what others think of us. I don't care if you think I'm fat, or you think I'm crazy because I'm obsessed with Disney. When people tell me I'm weird, crazy or nuts for either the career I'm in or because of Disney, I always make people think that I care what they say, but I really don't. The people who I am closest to are usually the ones that have the biggest opinion on how I live my life especially when it comes to my relationship to Greg, Disney and the funeral business. And guess what? Those are the ones that don't need to be in my life. I love me. I know that is so crazy to say out loud but I do. I know I can always turn to myself to cope or to take care of business. Who says that? I have never felt comfortable saying anything like that about myself. "Be the one you run to". That is a quote that I live by. I have many that I live by, but I that one has been more relevant recently than most. I know what is best for me. you don't. Yes YOU! Everyone has their own opinion on what you should do with your life and how you should go about living it. Guess what? I don't care what you say or think and neither should you! My intuition is my best friend in the sense that I know what to do and when to do it. I just have to listen. Thank you for reading. Sorry this was all over the place. It is so good to just type and not think about a topic.

New Job yays!

One of the best things about working in the job that I am working in, I get to be able to relax a lot more. Yeah I have a lot to do, but my personality fits with everything I do. I am constantly looking into things, researching etc. And I get to meet with wonderful families. BUT the BEST thing I love about my job came to me today. I get to work with one person I admire the most in this industry. He was my old professor when I was starting going to school in this field, Shannon W. is a funeral director who works with me at Larkin Mortuary. He is a passionate person and is the best teacher I have ever had. He has been a funeral director for a really long time and has worked at several funeral homes in the valley, but has stayed with Larkin the last 5 years. Today I finally got to see him in 2 years. He has really helped me realize not only how hard being a woman in this field will be, but how much advantage I have over the men emotionally! I am so thankful that I get to work with him! A lot of the funeral directors say how he beats to the sound of a different drum and that he is weird, but I LOVE that. He has taught me so much and made me passionate about what I am doing. And honestly, you guys know how I even dance to the beat of a different drum! I can't wait for him to teach me so much! Had to do a positive post after that sad one!

New job woes

One thing that I will never understand is how people talk badly about others behind their backs. Even at age 50 people still talk awful about each other. It’s something that starts really at a young age and then we continue to do it as we get older. I have started a new job at an amazing mortuary in Utah. It’s one of the best in the state and it has been recognized nationwide. I have been here a week. 1 week. I work in my own cubicle and I am in charge of a lot of accounting but I also help out with families where I am needed. My desk is surrounded by pre-need sales associates. Pre-need is buying a plan for your funeral before it happens so your family is prepared. They are based off of commission and it can get really really catty in here. I usually will put my headphones on so I don’t have to listen to it and just continue to do my work so I don’t really pay attention to the gossip. This morning I came in to my desk, there were files everywhere and papers in places that I didn’t place them. This bothers me because there is a correct way to place everything and I am very very anal about the details of MY desk. I threw them aside to be refilled and just continued on with my work. A pre-need sales lady came up to me and asked me where this file was. Um I look at her like wtf. I have no idea lady. Obviously it’s not here. I told her I have no idea and she threw it in my box and had a little fit. Then mean while went back into the cubicle and started to talk badly about me. How is this appropriate? How is this acceptable? All because I don’t know where a file was. It wasn’t my responsibility and it clearly was hers to keep track of it. Now before I continue my rant, keep in mind my job is perfect. I absolutely love that I am very good at my job and that I am in control and that I can understand all that I am doing, but it has been somewhat of a challenge. Nobody likes to talk to me. I eat lunch alone and not a single person here besides my manager knows anything about me. One of my managers Jerry just found out that I’m a Disney lover. No one has bothered to get to know me. Yesterday when I was talking to Greg about it, he said aww how sad. I didn’t think was a big deal until he said that. It is kind of sad. Why? I don’t believe I have done anything different than I should be doing. But for some reason I take it pretty personal. When someone is new I really like to make sure they are comfortable and I enjoy getting to know who they are because I am going to be working with them. It’s really strange but this is the first job that I kind of am like a fly on the wall and am not really noticed. Which is not a problem, but it some ways it kind of hurts. I’m sorry to vent and rant. I am truly happy don’t get me wrong. I just am a little taken aback by the situation.

Love.

I am on love with Florida. There is a presence here that is purely magical. Every day something comes up to remind me of how thankful I am to be Alive and to breathe. I think of god more here than ever before. I even talk to him so much more down here. I would stay in Florida if I didn't have a job waiting for me. I would work for Disney for the rest of my life. Well I'm hoping to stay seasonal. So I can go to Disney all the time and keep my passion still. I am actually sleeping without my sleeping pill. This is a rare thing for me. This never happens to me. It has showed me that I truly turning into a woman I am becoming proud of being. I have stood up for myself, loved like never before, and have lower expectations. I am in pure bliss. 

My program

One of the things about this program that I am already learning, is being able to adapt to so many situations. When to interject and when to speak. The girls I room with always feel the need to interject their opinions on ever topic and every situation. It shows me the insecurities of all of the very quickly. Positivity is something that isn’t really prevelant here. My roommate Katie is the one I connect with the most because we see the glass half full rather than half empty like the other 4. We really are like sisters in a way. The ;only problem is for now, she doesn’t like to have deeper conversations. She will on occasion and she will tell me she loves me every now and then, but when something deep is brought up she won’t talk about it. Which is ok. I know with time, she will open up. It is so comforting to know that I have something sleeping in the same room as me. I never thought I would miss human contact and connect like I do. Greg and the kitties being in my room were what I wanted when I was sad. And today with Katie being at work and me being sick in my bed, it really made me realize even having her in her bed doing her own thing, I missed her in here. I have also learned that I tend to put up a wall and protect myself a lot quicker than I thought. I am a very open and inviting person, but when it comes to men down here I hate all of the them. They all want to get in some girls pants and they think they have the capability to do that. It really irritates me. The experiences I get to have during this program are amazing. I feel this was so perfect for me to do. It has allowed me to be vulnerable and shown that after this, if I want to move to Seattle with my sweetie, I am more than capable to do it. I am so proud of myself and how motivated I feel every day. I am always doing something or trying to do something. I haven’t cried nearly as much as I thought. I know that when the holidays come along I will have a hard time, but for now things are tough and that’s ok. I have a lot of family issues back in Utah. Mom won’t talk to me. This is the first time I have stood up to her since I was 16, and she didn’t like that. It felt good to say that she wasn’t right and it only matters how I feel about my greg not her. But mom didn’t like that. So She won’t talk to me right now. Dad is getting separated from Laurie and that has been hard for me because I want to help dad in any way I possibly can. I love and miss him so much. I feel like I should be there to help him. I’ve taken my sleeping pills so don’t judge my spellin

This has been an amazing weekend, but also a hard one. I went up to see our best friends Kaylie and Mike this past weekend and it was the most amazing time we've had up there. I not only got to spend time with the, but I got a ton of books! We went to the beach, we did things that we have never done before and I even got a tattoo, but the reason it was so hard is because they were the first people I had to say goodbye to before I left for Florida. I mean it's good because it prepared me for what it's going to be like with my family and my sweetie, but leaving and driving to the airport I had to hold back tears because I didn't want reality to come so quick. When I got home, that's what happened, reality came and smacked me in the face. I have so much to pack, so much to organize and almost less than a week away. I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, so I need to be able to recognize that I can do anything I set my mind to and that I was chosen to be a part of this amazing program out of 30,009 people who applied. only 2,500 got in. This is something I am going to take advantage of and something I will be able to tell my kids when I am 60. It's just the getting there that is going to be hard.

Family.

I never really post about my family, but today I've been pretty ticked off. I'm leaving. I'm taking a huge step towards something great. Who is behind me? greg, kaylie, angela, dad, grandma. That's about it. My mom? no idea. I HAVE 21 days till I depart. I should just be enjoying Utah right? Yeah I am. I'm having a blast, and I don't want to sound dramatic like i'm leaving forever, but it's hard for my family to really comprehend that i'm leaving.... My mom is MIA majority of the time, I try and hang out with her, go swimming, she forgets. I have a step family that doesn't bother to be around me. It's kind of a joke honestly. My step sister Rachel the "star" in the family is home from Boston and she will be here for the next few weeks and quite frankly I do not want to be around her. EVERY SINGLE TIME i'm around her, it's a comparison war. Let's talk about Rachel. Let's talk about Boston. OH WOW You're SOOOO amazing. You're boyfriend is SOOOO amazing. ok let's be real for a second.... Just because she has seen many places and is teaching, doesn't mean she is incredible. Has Rachel really even tried to talk to me? no. She sent me a blouse from H&M for my birthday which was really thoughtful, but I deep down I know she doesn't care about me. She tries to compete with me with my mom. Sorry this is so much rambling, but my family doesn't get it. I do so much for every single one of them and for 5 months they won't even realize. I won't be there for Christmas, I won't be there for Thanksgiving and more importantly Halloween. Do any of them care? no. that's cool. For the next 22 days they will begin to feel what it's like to have me not be around. and guess what? I do not care. i'm so irritated.

I'm not usually one to be an anxious person or negative, but the last day and a half I have only wanted to stay in bed with it dark and lay down with my teddy bear. I am so terrified to leave home. I don't want to leave my beautiful room, my sweetie lay next to me in bed, I don't want to leave my family and have them be here without me. I have never had so much anxiety before. I am constantly having stomach cramps and worrying 24 hours of the day. Not sleeping and not really eating, it's becoming a problem. My therapist says that I am scared to succeed, and she is right. Because i'm afraid the expectations will rise and I will have to compete with them. I am so scared to leave my grego. I don't want to be forgotten. I'm scared no one will visit me, I'm scared to not have family with me, I'm scared my friends will forget about me. In my mind I know this is all silly, but my subconscious is a lot stronger. I am going. I have to do this for me so I can be the person I want to be and do the things I want to do. I get that, I just want people I know to tag along with me. So I have some sense of security. I had to get this out.

Inspired

Today I am feeling more inspired than usual. I have a lot of stresses in my life but today it feels the wind is taking them away. I feel change is on the horizon. I am being invited to hang out with new friends, I am writing more and I am wanting to paint more. This sunshine is doing something to me that I have never had happen to me. I am feeling more alive and it's so refreshing. I leave for Florida in exactly two months and I am so excited and nervous but today I am feeling so inspired to explore why I'm nervous and excited. I want to be able to learn from this. The world Is so beautiful and I thinks lot of us forget to stop and look at it. We are truly blessed to be a part of this lifetime and experience the tragedies and triumphs our generation gets to go through. I'm very proud of who I am and who I know. My generation needs to wake up and look around. We are surrounded by so much beauty and come from amazing forefathers. I think we forget about that sometimes. We have our freedom because of them. So random today just had to write. 

Not ok

Love that even though I've been with Greg for 4 years he's still not allowed to come to certain family functions because we aren't married. Or we don't get treated the same because we aren't married. I'm pretty upset. I can't wait to move and I won't have to worry about this. Because to put it blunt, it's bull shit. We've been together longer than most couples I know and guess what? We don't want to get married right now because we are focusing on school. Ugh I'm mad. First not being paid for a photo shoot now people discriminating because we aren't married. Our friends know we are stronger than most and that's all that matters. Vent session. 

So...

So I know I said I was going to start a new blog about a girl being in the funeral industry.... But that's going to have to be put on hold.... I am going to start a blog about my Disney experience in Florida.... I left the funeral home but accepted to join the Disney College Program! So I will be moving to Florida in August! So keep a look out for this new blog! :)

http://faithtrustandalittlepixiedustwithme.blogspot.com/

New Blog

Hey all! I just wanted to let you know I have a new blog that I have started if you want to follow just going through what I go through in the funeral industry and trying to get support! So check it out if you're interested, if not, it's cool! http://youngandseeingdeadpeople.blogspot.com/

Letting go.

Being able to let things go. It's a trial of mine. I was a part of Outlook Development and their team for quite some time. I really was active in changing lives and changing mine and then all of a sudden I got my dream job, and I slowed down in life to smell the flowers or to just enjoy life. Well, Outlook is speeding on by and doing things differently than I want to. And I was kind of left behind I guess was the word. I am doing great. I have no hard feelings just kind of sad that they are going way too fast. and once I got my dream job, i was "cured" and doing better. I have attempted to be a part of the clan again, but it just doesn't fit in with my work. My job and family come first. That's priority and if Outlook doesn't fit, it just doesn't fit. Anyway had to get that off my chest today. :)

Amazing body

I don't mean to brag about my body but our bodies are so amazing. I am loving working out. My body works so hard to be so tough. Breathing hard and pumping blood fast through my veins. This feeling is actually addicting. I'm loving taking care of my body. I have taken on the concept that everything I ingest has a soul. We are beings. Water coffee soda candy. Drugs alcohol they all have souls. And depending on what soul evil or good depends on what goes in my body to feed my soul. Sigh. This is one of the best things for me. Loving this. It's going to be hard but legen........ Dary!

Photography

I am no longer taking pictures for friends. I have had them either bail out on me, not show up, not pay me the full amount and take COMPLETE advantage me of me, sorry but I am not doing friends anymore.

I used to post on here a lot when things got bad. I really don't know why that was the only time I came on here, but recently I like coming on here now just to type things out. Good or bad! I forgot how much I actually like to blog etc. Today was an interesting day at work.

I am currently taking care of 4 families at one time. It can be stressful but I AM LOVING IT! Today I took care of a family of a little 6 month old. He is such a cutie. And such a little chunker. I love him so much and you can tell he brought so much life and love to his cute little family. This family is very timid but so sweet. I thought I may have a hard time taking care of this family, but surprisingly they have been my favorite family to take care of so far. Babies who have passed on are so hard on families, this little guy had only half a heart and they knew he would pass soon, but they said they were even lucky to get 6 months. When I help baby families like this I always like to sit back and ask myself how I would handle this situation if I was a mama, and honestly I don't know. I won't ever know till I give birth but even then I hope to never imagine burying my own child.

Anyway on a different note, my boss is so awesome. Brandon. He really is the best boss I have ever had. He is very down to Earth and his main goal with me is to teach me everything to help me as a director and even as a person. He also told me I remind him of his two daughters and ever since then I feel we have an awesome bond. He is someone I know I can ask for help and he won't be mad or anything like that. He is always there to help and his wife, such a sweetie. She treats me like family when I see her, Its so nice to have a boss finally that cares about me and is willing to help me achieve my dreams. I really love what's happening for me.

Today...

Today I have this sort of feeling as i'm getting ready for bed that I absolutely love. I am so proud of where I am. I am so proud of who I have become! 1 year ago I was a mess and messed into things I don't like and want to be a part of. Today I am who I can see raising children and having them look up to me. it's one of the coolest feelings.

One thing I'm not the happiest about it my weight. But as I look at myself today on the computer I realized something, this weight I have, This mass that has taken over me, I love. I love it because it has comforted me through the hard times I have been through over the course of a year. I don't really believe in new year's resolutions because I believe I can make a new one EVERY SINGLE DAY. How neat is that? Tomorrow is the day. I started a gym membership at work and they are going to give me a VIP membership to golds. Which means tanning, swimming, yoga, weights and a healthy Alyssa. I love who I am internally and I want to show that externally too. Yeah there are a lot of stresses in my life right now with money and school, but I really could not be happier with where I am.

I also had a thought today. A lot of people laugh at my love for Disney. My friends, my family, co-workers, Really anyone who I associate myself with. And today I LOVE that part of me. It is one of the most freeing things to be able to take pictures of my Vinylmations or to wear a mickey sweater or to sport my AMAZING simba tattoo in public. I am so proud I love Disney because it means I believe in my dreams. It means I know that I can do what I want and live this amazing life I am born to love. As i'm sitting here even i'm wearing 2 Disneyland bracelets my Little Mermaid T Shirt with my Simba tattoo in sight. even with my minnie mouse in my lap. and I'm just so thrilled to be able to show that I love Disney. Even if I am 23. Anyway I just had to write all these feelings down so I can look back and remember that it's ok. But really I need to do is look down at my wrist to remember who I am. Today I really am just so humbled and blessed. life is truly wonderful.

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I have been on here and to be honest I really haven't missed it. This is usually a place I come to vent because not a lot of people look on here that I talk to on a daily basis etc. etc. But It's nice to come back and update people and see how the people I follow on here are doing too :)

So I am officially a funeral apprentice as of Nov. 1 2012. It's been quite a change from the graveyard shift job and the typical day to day stuff at work. EVERY SINGLE DAY is different from being slammed to sitting around chatting with the guys. I really love my job but then other days I mean it drains you. I knew this job would be somewhat draining but I had no idea that it would be this draining. I am really tired at night and I want to sleep quite a bit. I still think the graves for 4 years did some damage to my brain and that may be some of the cause but I really put my heart into my job, which in turn is very draining.

A lot has happened in the fact that I had no idea that certain things would happen to me. Like I never I thought I would be the person I am today. It's kind of cool to think about from time to time. I really enjoy staying home, but I really like to go out more often than I used to. I sleep 9 hours a day which is RARE! and I even dress differently than I did. It's really fun and cool honestly. Now I just feel like i'm babbling. Anyway cool. bye.

Random thoughts.

People have a really hard time keeping promises. Either fear, resentment, anger or sadness hold them back from what their potential could be. Saying what you promise to do and following through with it is a small thing that can be a huge difference in a relationship. I have encountered friends and people in my life who had said they would do something for me or would show up somewhere or would even text me to let me know about something important who do not follow through. It is something that is a pet peeve of mine. "Say what you're going to do, then do what you said you would do." It is something I have tried to live by for the last year. It's a motto I believe is strong and stands firm as to what people should do.

Understandably and reasonably, things do come up. Accidents, emergencies etc. But letting the person know of such events is something that can help with that. Following through is one reason why I'm so paticular about my friends and why I don't have very many. Most of the friends I have had don't follow through on what they said they would do for me or even in life. Someone who has such character is someone I don't trust. Reasons why I have major trust issues when keeping friends. I only allow certain people close to my heart. Those who know how close they are to my heart can feel the warmth and beat of it.

It's been a hard week. Yet rewarding at the same time. I'm grateful for the trials we all have to go through. They may be tough, but we really don't know what God has in his plan for us. I know God is a topic that can be touchy, but it really is true. He has a set plan and trials and tribulations for us each to go through that build us up and create a character in us that is unbreakable. I have and am going through what I'm going through because God has a plan for me to be stronger than I am today. It's a powerful concept and not easily grasped for me at all times. It really puts things in perspective when I find myself starting to judge someone. "You don't know what trials I have put her through." - God. How strong is that? I mean to think that we aren't the only people that go through such things?

Passion is something in me that is really natural something that I just have and always have had even as a small child. My mom really is the reason for that passion that burns inside me. She is the one that has built me up to be the beautiful person I am. And every single day I know I make her proud. that is a gift. To truly know that you are making your own mother proud. she is someone I will always and forever have in my life. thanks to her, I am passionate and caring for people and more importantly myself.

My horoscope was realy interesting today: You have grown mistrustful of someone youused to trust and respect. This person has done something that wounded you, and you are having a hard time seeing this indvidual in the smae warm light y ou once did. This is a case of miscommunication, Moonchild. You probably don't fully understand what caused your loved one to do what was done. There is something from this person's past that led him or her to treat you in a certain way, but it was really out of love and out of a desire to protect you. Be open-minded and try to forgive- it will be well worth the effort.

That is eerily perfect for me right now. Someone has mistrusted me. They have decided running is best. and have failed to follow through. Doing what they said they would do is something that is not in their vocabulary. unfortunately. The one down fall that I have is wearing my heart literally on my sleeve and letting things go. I'm a supporter. I care too much about people and forget to take care of myself and that is what I am failing to do right now. I need to let the water roll off my back and forget what they have done. I also heard a cool quote tonight :

Vital / Perspective

Perspective is something that really determines our reality in life. Being able to change your perspective can really alter and change our life in so many aspects. It is pretty incredible to me that we realize in order to change our lives all we need to do is flip that little switch in our mind on our perspective and our whole world and views change in an instant. Just a little thought that was on my mind this last week. Pretty neat.

As I'm recently doing more and more self growth, I'm realizing once again who is in my life and why they are in my life. You know how we always like to do a spring cleaning when we are going through a new season with our clothes or even our home items? I'm that way with people. I realize if they are vital in my life and if they are ok to rid of. I have done that on facebook and other social media ways, but it really puts you in a situation that is interesting. I love all the people in my life, but there are those that are bad seeds that are negative all the time and jealous and I have decided to rid of them. It has been difficult, but I believe I am successful. There is no point in having people in our lives that don't lift us up and inspire us. It just drags us down an makes us feel bad about ourselves. At least you have the memories of them and you move on. Even though I don't have many friends, maybe a handful-ish they are vital to me and that should also make them feel important just as they make me feel important.