New job woes

One thing that I will never understand is how people talk badly about others behind their backs. Even at age 50 people still talk awful about each other. It’s something that starts really at a young age and then we continue to do it as we get older. I have started a new job at an amazing mortuary in Utah. It’s one of the best in the state and it has been recognized nationwide. I have been here a week. 1 week. I work in my own cubicle and I am in charge of a lot of accounting but I also help out with families where I am needed. My desk is surrounded by pre-need sales associates. Pre-need is buying a plan for your funeral before it happens so your family is prepared. They are based off of commission and it can get really really catty in here. I usually will put my headphones on so I don’t have to listen to it and just continue to do my work so I don’t really pay attention to the gossip. This morning I came in to my desk, there were files everywhere and papers in places that I didn’t place them. This bothers me because there is a correct way to place everything and I am very very anal about the details of MY desk. I threw them aside to be refilled and just continued on with my work. A pre-need sales lady came up to me and asked me where this file was. Um I look at her like wtf. I have no idea lady. Obviously it’s not here. I told her I have no idea and she threw it in my box and had a little fit. Then mean while went back into the cubicle and started to talk badly about me. How is this appropriate? How is this acceptable? All because I don’t know where a file was. It wasn’t my responsibility and it clearly was hers to keep track of it. Now before I continue my rant, keep in mind my job is perfect. I absolutely love that I am very good at my job and that I am in control and that I can understand all that I am doing, but it has been somewhat of a challenge. Nobody likes to talk to me. I eat lunch alone and not a single person here besides my manager knows anything about me. One of my managers Jerry just found out that I’m a Disney lover. No one has bothered to get to know me. Yesterday when I was talking to Greg about it, he said aww how sad. I didn’t think was a big deal until he said that. It is kind of sad. Why? I don’t believe I have done anything different than I should be doing. But for some reason I take it pretty personal. When someone is new I really like to make sure they are comfortable and I enjoy getting to know who they are because I am going to be working with them. It’s really strange but this is the first job that I kind of am like a fly on the wall and am not really noticed. Which is not a problem, but it some ways it kind of hurts. I’m sorry to vent and rant. I am truly happy don’t get me wrong. I just am a little taken aback by the situation.

Love.

I am on love with Florida. There is a presence here that is purely magical. Every day something comes up to remind me of how thankful I am to be Alive and to breathe. I think of god more here than ever before. I even talk to him so much more down here. I would stay in Florida if I didn't have a job waiting for me. I would work for Disney for the rest of my life. Well I'm hoping to stay seasonal. So I can go to Disney all the time and keep my passion still. I am actually sleeping without my sleeping pill. This is a rare thing for me. This never happens to me. It has showed me that I truly turning into a woman I am becoming proud of being. I have stood up for myself, loved like never before, and have lower expectations. I am in pure bliss. 

My program

One of the things about this program that I am already learning, is being able to adapt to so many situations. When to interject and when to speak. The girls I room with always feel the need to interject their opinions on ever topic and every situation. It shows me the insecurities of all of the very quickly. Positivity is something that isn’t really prevelant here. My roommate Katie is the one I connect with the most because we see the glass half full rather than half empty like the other 4. We really are like sisters in a way. The ;only problem is for now, she doesn’t like to have deeper conversations. She will on occasion and she will tell me she loves me every now and then, but when something deep is brought up she won’t talk about it. Which is ok. I know with time, she will open up. It is so comforting to know that I have something sleeping in the same room as me. I never thought I would miss human contact and connect like I do. Greg and the kitties being in my room were what I wanted when I was sad. And today with Katie being at work and me being sick in my bed, it really made me realize even having her in her bed doing her own thing, I missed her in here. I have also learned that I tend to put up a wall and protect myself a lot quicker than I thought. I am a very open and inviting person, but when it comes to men down here I hate all of the them. They all want to get in some girls pants and they think they have the capability to do that. It really irritates me. The experiences I get to have during this program are amazing. I feel this was so perfect for me to do. It has allowed me to be vulnerable and shown that after this, if I want to move to Seattle with my sweetie, I am more than capable to do it. I am so proud of myself and how motivated I feel every day. I am always doing something or trying to do something. I haven’t cried nearly as much as I thought. I know that when the holidays come along I will have a hard time, but for now things are tough and that’s ok. I have a lot of family issues back in Utah. Mom won’t talk to me. This is the first time I have stood up to her since I was 16, and she didn’t like that. It felt good to say that she wasn’t right and it only matters how I feel about my greg not her. But mom didn’t like that. So She won’t talk to me right now. Dad is getting separated from Laurie and that has been hard for me because I want to help dad in any way I possibly can. I love and miss him so much. I feel like I should be there to help him. I’ve taken my sleeping pills so don’t judge my spellin

This has been an amazing weekend, but also a hard one. I went up to see our best friends Kaylie and Mike this past weekend and it was the most amazing time we've had up there. I not only got to spend time with the, but I got a ton of books! We went to the beach, we did things that we have never done before and I even got a tattoo, but the reason it was so hard is because they were the first people I had to say goodbye to before I left for Florida. I mean it's good because it prepared me for what it's going to be like with my family and my sweetie, but leaving and driving to the airport I had to hold back tears because I didn't want reality to come so quick. When I got home, that's what happened, reality came and smacked me in the face. I have so much to pack, so much to organize and almost less than a week away. I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, so I need to be able to recognize that I can do anything I set my mind to and that I was chosen to be a part of this amazing program out of 30,009 people who applied. only 2,500 got in. This is something I am going to take advantage of and something I will be able to tell my kids when I am 60. It's just the getting there that is going to be hard.

Family.

I never really post about my family, but today I've been pretty ticked off. I'm leaving. I'm taking a huge step towards something great. Who is behind me? greg, kaylie, angela, dad, grandma. That's about it. My mom? no idea. I HAVE 21 days till I depart. I should just be enjoying Utah right? Yeah I am. I'm having a blast, and I don't want to sound dramatic like i'm leaving forever, but it's hard for my family to really comprehend that i'm leaving.... My mom is MIA majority of the time, I try and hang out with her, go swimming, she forgets. I have a step family that doesn't bother to be around me. It's kind of a joke honestly. My step sister Rachel the "star" in the family is home from Boston and she will be here for the next few weeks and quite frankly I do not want to be around her. EVERY SINGLE TIME i'm around her, it's a comparison war. Let's talk about Rachel. Let's talk about Boston. OH WOW You're SOOOO amazing. You're boyfriend is SOOOO amazing. ok let's be real for a second.... Just because she has seen many places and is teaching, doesn't mean she is incredible. Has Rachel really even tried to talk to me? no. She sent me a blouse from H&M for my birthday which was really thoughtful, but I deep down I know she doesn't care about me. She tries to compete with me with my mom. Sorry this is so much rambling, but my family doesn't get it. I do so much for every single one of them and for 5 months they won't even realize. I won't be there for Christmas, I won't be there for Thanksgiving and more importantly Halloween. Do any of them care? no. that's cool. For the next 22 days they will begin to feel what it's like to have me not be around. and guess what? I do not care. i'm so irritated.

I'm not usually one to be an anxious person or negative, but the last day and a half I have only wanted to stay in bed with it dark and lay down with my teddy bear. I am so terrified to leave home. I don't want to leave my beautiful room, my sweetie lay next to me in bed, I don't want to leave my family and have them be here without me. I have never had so much anxiety before. I am constantly having stomach cramps and worrying 24 hours of the day. Not sleeping and not really eating, it's becoming a problem. My therapist says that I am scared to succeed, and she is right. Because i'm afraid the expectations will rise and I will have to compete with them. I am so scared to leave my grego. I don't want to be forgotten. I'm scared no one will visit me, I'm scared to not have family with me, I'm scared my friends will forget about me. In my mind I know this is all silly, but my subconscious is a lot stronger. I am going. I have to do this for me so I can be the person I want to be and do the things I want to do. I get that, I just want people I know to tag along with me. So I have some sense of security. I had to get this out.

Inspired

Today I am feeling more inspired than usual. I have a lot of stresses in my life but today it feels the wind is taking them away. I feel change is on the horizon. I am being invited to hang out with new friends, I am writing more and I am wanting to paint more. This sunshine is doing something to me that I have never had happen to me. I am feeling more alive and it's so refreshing. I leave for Florida in exactly two months and I am so excited and nervous but today I am feeling so inspired to explore why I'm nervous and excited. I want to be able to learn from this. The world Is so beautiful and I thinks lot of us forget to stop and look at it. We are truly blessed to be a part of this lifetime and experience the tragedies and triumphs our generation gets to go through. I'm very proud of who I am and who I know. My generation needs to wake up and look around. We are surrounded by so much beauty and come from amazing forefathers. I think we forget about that sometimes. We have our freedom because of them. So random today just had to write.