Say what you're going to do, and do what you said you would do.

***remember I don't proof read my blogs. I feel like if I do, I would edit too much.****

People lately have been not doing what they said they would do. From hanging out, to giving me a job, to friend's bailing out, to co-workers not assisting me with work. It gets old really quick and really fast.

I have learned a very cool characteristic with the saying as the title of my blog post today. Say what you're going to do, and do wha you said you would do. It is something that I have lived by since August. I believe if you really say you're going to do something, you need to follow through, otherwise people will not believe you if you ever make plans. I have learned that in life as I'm sure all of you have. It's something I believe if people really followed, everyone would be happier and we would have better relationships. It's all about being respectful and making sure you are responsible for your actions. For some reason last week was a week for people to not do what they said they would do, and it was heart breaking. I have not let them down, and yet people feel it's ok to let me down. It is ok, I'm not mad, I just think it shows how important you really are to that person you know?

I believe it's something everyone should take on. It's a pretty cool trait I think.

Diamonds On The Inside.

Tonight as I am working I realized there is a song on my ipod by Ben Harper called Diamonds on the inside. It inspired me to write this blog post this early morning.

We are all misunderstood at one point or another. A lot of folks find me very annoying, rude, judgemental, and even bitchy. Which yeah I may annoy you with my bold strong personality and the way I speak and the way I dress. But I wear diamonds on the inside. I believe I am perfect the way I am. That includes all of my flaws and all of my upsets. Especially when it comes to the passion that lives and breathes within my soul.

A lot of people are intimidated by my passion. Passion is a strong emotion that quite a few people take wrong. I notice that when I am really excited about something, people either draw towards me, or they flee. I have many many flaws. Don't get me wrong, but I do believe that my passion for life and people is one of my biggest strengths. I was asked a couple months ago, "Why are you so passionate about everything? It gets kind of annoying." I responded with I just am enjoying life.

As you grow older you learn more and more about who you really are and who you try to be and who you wanted to be. It's funny how people say to change your perspective it's like putting on a pair of glasses. Funny story. I just bought some new glasses. I love them. They look awesome. They are the typical Geek/Hipster black glasses. The frame my face well and bring out my personality very well. When I put the glasses on, I saw a new perspective. I love who I am. I have fought and fought that I am NOT a geek. Tried to be a girly girl, tried to be fashionista, but it has always been a challenge. I finally accepted that I am a geek. A nerd. A nerd who loves video games. I love the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I love my Kindle. I wear mismatching things. I wear shirts that offend. I will make funny jokes. I know my cars. I am the girl the guys like to have around. And you know what, putting those glasses on really made me realize I love me. I love who I am. And as soon as I accepted that fact, people look at me differently. People will turn their heads to see me! I orignially thought I had something on my face when greg turned to me and said nope, you just look amazing.

I guess my point is, I realize the people who love me for who I am are the best. They know my diamonds on the inside and they know to forgive my mistakes when they know it's out of character for me. I am one lucky girl who is blessed to be a part of this life and to live free. I love it. It's like that quote by Dr. Suess; "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter."

Everything Is Different.

There are some things that just will stay the same. One thing for me. Work. Work is something that used to be something I enjoyed doing and coming to. Not anymore. Work is something I loath. Something that makes wiping someone's ass so much better than what I'm doing right now. I know it sucks to hear people be negative etc. I'm not being negative on this blog, I'm stating the truth. My job at the lab is something that I feel wastes away my liking for life. I go in every day and see the people who loathe me. They would say it's my fault. It's my own doing. In reality it's our own doing. WE messed up. I have the hardest time when people do not take responsibility for their own actions. Yeah I messed up. I'll admit it, but so did you guys. All three of you. You know exactly who you are. After excluding them out of my life things have changed and everything is different. I have a passion for what i'm doing in school that I have never had before. I'm growing constantly. Every single day. It's something that is really scary. Most can say that when you're twenty two you're supposed to be out partying living it up and being immature. I have never been so proud of myself. I was accept to a school I'm dying to go to. I have genuine friends who love my heart and excuse my mistakes. My character means so much to them. They love the genuine person I am. *these are never in order* Angela: You never read this. I don't even think you know about this blog but here goes. Angela, you really are such an inspiration and a shoulder I lean on. I love you. I never say it, but you are one of my rocks in my life. I will always be here for you and always support you because you are constantly doing that for me. You are constnatly helping me chase the dreams I want to acheive and smack me when I do something I know is dumb and you know I know it's dumb. You are beautiful in everyway. You are someone I love taking pictures of for my portfolio because you are your true self. There are days I know I haven't done much for you and you do so much for me, but you forgive me and we will always be friends no matter where we are in life and where life takes us. You are vital in my life. You are such a good friend. Thank you. Kaylie: You and I had a falling out. Yes we did, but we grew. The other night when we talked, I have never felt so close to you. I have never felt that love for you that I had that night. I care so much about you and your wittle family. Zoey is so beautiful and to see her smile and laugh and to know you created that gives me hope that I may one day be a beautiful mother. YOu are such an example to me. You love our lord. You worship him and have a strong testimony of his word. You show me that it is ok to be you, and be who you want to be. I can go to church and be just the same when I come out, but stronger. You have helped me realize that judgement is something we learn to let go of. You are one that I can rely on with any emotion trauma or problem I am having. You have supported me so much and I am so much more grateful now than I ever have been for you. You are vital in my life. And I appreciate who you are and who you are becoming because I am learning through you to be a better person. I love you. Thank you Greg: You are one of the only people next to my mama who understands my core. You brighten my day when I wake up next to you still sleeping. I love sleeping next to you and grabbing your hand as we are both still asleep. There have been times when I will wake up and our hands are between us clasped tight and our noses pressed against each other and we are asleep. loving each other through our dreams. You are the one person I can walk around in my underwear with and be 100% ok with it. YOu love every curve, every dimple, every line every hair on my body. No matter how it looks. You are and always have been such an example to me. I love you so much and I can't believe I even let you go. I know we have a long road to go, but I know you and I will work out and spend our lives togther. You are my world, and when I see you and you kiss me, the world does melt around me and I feel as though I'm the most important person on this Earth to you. You are vital in my life. I love you so much my grego. Thank you. Mama: Are there really words to what you do for me? Nope. BUt I will sure as hell try. Mom you are the most accepting person I have ever met. You love me for who I am, who I'm trying to be and who I aspire to be. You are the most influential person in my life. Without you I would not be here. Without you I would probably doing things that I wouldn't want to be doing in this life. I love you mom and I am so thankful and blessed you are my mother. I love you. You are vital to me in my life. Thank You. Casey: You are and were my buddy. I miss you. I know our lives have outstretched to the point of an everyday call is impossible, but I want you to know that I love you. I care about you. I think about you often. I miss outlook because of you. You supported me. I supported you. WE lifted EACH OTHER up! You are such a beautiful person. I don't think you believe that at times, but you are. You beam with confidence. I am so proud to say I was and am your buddy. You are also such an example of how to be non judgemental. Especially when it came to me. I'm very much out there and you embraced me and loved me for who I am and who I was growing into being. I love you so much and I know you are going to be doing great things in life and change so many people's outlook on life. I love you so much./ You are vital in my life. Thank you. Vickie: I love watching your little girl grow. You are such an amazing mama and I love watching her through the technology we currently using in this world. You have always been a good friend of mine. Distance has made it more difficult, but even though distance is something that seperates us, I feel close to you. SHaring each others life through youtube and facebook have really connected us in a way that we couldn't when you were here. I am so grateful I am still in contact with you and knowing you are so well and loving life with your amazing husband and beautiful daughter. You are vital in my life. Thank you. Steven: We don't speak anymore. And it's for the best. But I know you read this. I know you check on me to make sure I'm ok and that you still care about me. Know this, I care about you too. I know your brother just left for school and I'm excited for you to start a new adventure by moving out etc. I hate working with you. Given fact. I'm sure you can tell. BUt know this, I'm so grateful you were in my life that time you were. You had me learn lessons I'm sure no one else can teach me. And I'm so thankful for that. Even if it hurt. I'm forever thankful. You helped me find my passion in mortuary science when I was constantly questioning it before class started. You are a pretty cool person and I hope you find what you are looking for in life. You were vital in my life. Thank you. ALyssa/Peanut: You are beautiful. Whatever anyone tells you. Cry. Please cry as much as you want. Love it when you cry. Love who you are when you are vulnerable. When you are vulnerable you invite others to be vulnerable with you. You are an inpiration to many. You show others that following the rules isn't always the best way to get things done. You are amazing. Full of light and life. Believe that about yourself. Believe you are capable of doing anything in this world. You are extremely smart and full of abundance. Passion is your middle name. Peanut Passion. You need to believe that and live that. I love you Alyssa. I do. Even though this is me talking to myself. Know, I love you. YOU ARE VITAL In yourlife, and Everyone who comes in contact with you. I love you. Thank you. Sorry for some reason it doesn't let me do paragraphs when I publish the post... ? hm.

Loving what is, and appreciating who YOU are.

One of my good friends Kaylie bought me a book. Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson. The most inspiring, motivating, entrancing book I have ever read. I recommend everyone read this. It is a book that you will laugh to, cry, and feel the spirit more than any other book. Reading this book has been a really big eye opener for me as well. Loving what is. Either changing it so you are happier, or loving it for what it is. Stephanie went through trauma. She went through so much and came out stronger in life than ever before. I am going through hard times, yet good times. As we all are as human beings. We all grow and learn from each other and take and give through out our whole life. Some take more than others, others give more than they take. I have experience both. As I'm sure you all have at some point or another in this life. But one thing that really has caught me off guard is growth. The amount of growth that I have accomplished within this year alone is astounding. We all know we are growing emotionally, physically and mentally, but do we ever really notice? I have. And this book really made me appreciate what I am doing in life and living it to the fullest. You never know when life might stop giving you lemons and you stop making lemonade.

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
You begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises.
You begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much,
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn,
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

You know...

You know how love can make you feel pathetic? Make you feel so lost, alone, weak? I found it. I am so in love guys. In love with a man. In love with a man that has had my heart for 2.5 years. A man that makes me weak at the knees. Weak at the smell of him, weak at the thought of him. I cry every single damn day because I lost him. I thought I was supposed to trek this journey of life alone for a little while, thought I was supposed to leave him. I wasn't. I lost him. And I'm trying to get him back. trying to prove to him that he is my everything and that he can trust me that I know I won't leave him. I was selfish. And I didn't let myself enjoy every single waking moment. It's really true that saying, you don't know what you've got till it's gone. I'm sitting here at my mom's house, crying. sobbing. I just wish that he would realize that I love him so much. I hurt him. Bad. I know that I did. And now I have hurt myself. I have made it so that every single day, I write him a love note in my notebook. not that I plan on ever showing him, but it helps me release my feelings about him. I text him everyday. I try and show him that I love him. I care for him so much. I love him so much, but he still doesn't trust me. What can I do to show him? What is something I can do? I would give up anything and everything to be with the man I love. I was going to marry him. He was going to ask me to marry him. I screwed it up. I ruined it all and now I need to know what to do to earn him trust back. I'm trying so hard to be patient and to appreciate that we are just hanging out right now, but my heart is sobbing and breaking every day that he doesn't ask me to come home. I hurt like he hurt when I left him. I feel like i'm dying just little bit every day. I have lost friends, I have lost motivation, I have lost so much in life without him. I know that's so pathetic, but I found the one that drives me in life. My future. My love. And I lost him.

I love.

I am learning to love everything.


Love.

It is honestly everywhere and we just walk right past it.