Love.

I am on love with Florida. There is a presence here that is purely magical. Every day something comes up to remind me of how thankful I am to be Alive and to breathe. I think of god more here than ever before. I even talk to him so much more down here. I would stay in Florida if I didn't have a job waiting for me. I would work for Disney for the rest of my life. Well I'm hoping to stay seasonal. So I can go to Disney all the time and keep my passion still. I am actually sleeping without my sleeping pill. This is a rare thing for me. This never happens to me. It has showed me that I truly turning into a woman I am becoming proud of being. I have stood up for myself, loved like never before, and have lower expectations. I am in pure bliss. 

My program

One of the things about this program that I am already learning, is being able to adapt to so many situations. When to interject and when to speak. The girls I room with always feel the need to interject their opinions on ever topic and every situation. It shows me the insecurities of all of the very quickly. Positivity is something that isn’t really prevelant here. My roommate Katie is the one I connect with the most because we see the glass half full rather than half empty like the other 4. We really are like sisters in a way. The ;only problem is for now, she doesn’t like to have deeper conversations. She will on occasion and she will tell me she loves me every now and then, but when something deep is brought up she won’t talk about it. Which is ok. I know with time, she will open up. It is so comforting to know that I have something sleeping in the same room as me. I never thought I would miss human contact and connect like I do. Greg and the kitties being in my room were what I wanted when I was sad. And today with Katie being at work and me being sick in my bed, it really made me realize even having her in her bed doing her own thing, I missed her in here. I have also learned that I tend to put up a wall and protect myself a lot quicker than I thought. I am a very open and inviting person, but when it comes to men down here I hate all of the them. They all want to get in some girls pants and they think they have the capability to do that. It really irritates me. The experiences I get to have during this program are amazing. I feel this was so perfect for me to do. It has allowed me to be vulnerable and shown that after this, if I want to move to Seattle with my sweetie, I am more than capable to do it. I am so proud of myself and how motivated I feel every day. I am always doing something or trying to do something. I haven’t cried nearly as much as I thought. I know that when the holidays come along I will have a hard time, but for now things are tough and that’s ok. I have a lot of family issues back in Utah. Mom won’t talk to me. This is the first time I have stood up to her since I was 16, and she didn’t like that. It felt good to say that she wasn’t right and it only matters how I feel about my greg not her. But mom didn’t like that. So She won’t talk to me right now. Dad is getting separated from Laurie and that has been hard for me because I want to help dad in any way I possibly can. I love and miss him so much. I feel like I should be there to help him. I’ve taken my sleeping pills so don’t judge my spellin

This has been an amazing weekend, but also a hard one. I went up to see our best friends Kaylie and Mike this past weekend and it was the most amazing time we've had up there. I not only got to spend time with the, but I got a ton of books! We went to the beach, we did things that we have never done before and I even got a tattoo, but the reason it was so hard is because they were the first people I had to say goodbye to before I left for Florida. I mean it's good because it prepared me for what it's going to be like with my family and my sweetie, but leaving and driving to the airport I had to hold back tears because I didn't want reality to come so quick. When I got home, that's what happened, reality came and smacked me in the face. I have so much to pack, so much to organize and almost less than a week away. I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, so I need to be able to recognize that I can do anything I set my mind to and that I was chosen to be a part of this amazing program out of 30,009 people who applied. only 2,500 got in. This is something I am going to take advantage of and something I will be able to tell my kids when I am 60. It's just the getting there that is going to be hard.

Family.

I never really post about my family, but today I've been pretty ticked off. I'm leaving. I'm taking a huge step towards something great. Who is behind me? greg, kaylie, angela, dad, grandma. That's about it. My mom? no idea. I HAVE 21 days till I depart. I should just be enjoying Utah right? Yeah I am. I'm having a blast, and I don't want to sound dramatic like i'm leaving forever, but it's hard for my family to really comprehend that i'm leaving.... My mom is MIA majority of the time, I try and hang out with her, go swimming, she forgets. I have a step family that doesn't bother to be around me. It's kind of a joke honestly. My step sister Rachel the "star" in the family is home from Boston and she will be here for the next few weeks and quite frankly I do not want to be around her. EVERY SINGLE TIME i'm around her, it's a comparison war. Let's talk about Rachel. Let's talk about Boston. OH WOW You're SOOOO amazing. You're boyfriend is SOOOO amazing. ok let's be real for a second.... Just because she has seen many places and is teaching, doesn't mean she is incredible. Has Rachel really even tried to talk to me? no. She sent me a blouse from H&M for my birthday which was really thoughtful, but I deep down I know she doesn't care about me. She tries to compete with me with my mom. Sorry this is so much rambling, but my family doesn't get it. I do so much for every single one of them and for 5 months they won't even realize. I won't be there for Christmas, I won't be there for Thanksgiving and more importantly Halloween. Do any of them care? no. that's cool. For the next 22 days they will begin to feel what it's like to have me not be around. and guess what? I do not care. i'm so irritated.

I'm not usually one to be an anxious person or negative, but the last day and a half I have only wanted to stay in bed with it dark and lay down with my teddy bear. I am so terrified to leave home. I don't want to leave my beautiful room, my sweetie lay next to me in bed, I don't want to leave my family and have them be here without me. I have never had so much anxiety before. I am constantly having stomach cramps and worrying 24 hours of the day. Not sleeping and not really eating, it's becoming a problem. My therapist says that I am scared to succeed, and she is right. Because i'm afraid the expectations will rise and I will have to compete with them. I am so scared to leave my grego. I don't want to be forgotten. I'm scared no one will visit me, I'm scared to not have family with me, I'm scared my friends will forget about me. In my mind I know this is all silly, but my subconscious is a lot stronger. I am going. I have to do this for me so I can be the person I want to be and do the things I want to do. I get that, I just want people I know to tag along with me. So I have some sense of security. I had to get this out.

Inspired

Today I am feeling more inspired than usual. I have a lot of stresses in my life but today it feels the wind is taking them away. I feel change is on the horizon. I am being invited to hang out with new friends, I am writing more and I am wanting to paint more. This sunshine is doing something to me that I have never had happen to me. I am feeling more alive and it's so refreshing. I leave for Florida in exactly two months and I am so excited and nervous but today I am feeling so inspired to explore why I'm nervous and excited. I want to be able to learn from this. The world Is so beautiful and I thinks lot of us forget to stop and look at it. We are truly blessed to be a part of this lifetime and experience the tragedies and triumphs our generation gets to go through. I'm very proud of who I am and who I know. My generation needs to wake up and look around. We are surrounded by so much beauty and come from amazing forefathers. I think we forget about that sometimes. We have our freedom because of them. So random today just had to write. 

Not ok

Love that even though I've been with Greg for 4 years he's still not allowed to come to certain family functions because we aren't married. Or we don't get treated the same because we aren't married. I'm pretty upset. I can't wait to move and I won't have to worry about this. Because to put it blunt, it's bull shit. We've been together longer than most couples I know and guess what? We don't want to get married right now because we are focusing on school. Ugh I'm mad. First not being paid for a photo shoot now people discriminating because we aren't married. Our friends know we are stronger than most and that's all that matters. Vent session. 

So...

So I know I said I was going to start a new blog about a girl being in the funeral industry.... But that's going to have to be put on hold.... I am going to start a blog about my Disney experience in Florida.... I left the funeral home but accepted to join the Disney College Program! So I will be moving to Florida in August! So keep a look out for this new blog! :)

http://faithtrustandalittlepixiedustwithme.blogspot.com/

New Blog

Hey all! I just wanted to let you know I have a new blog that I have started if you want to follow just going through what I go through in the funeral industry and trying to get support! So check it out if you're interested, if not, it's cool! http://youngandseeingdeadpeople.blogspot.com/

Letting go.

Being able to let things go. It's a trial of mine. I was a part of Outlook Development and their team for quite some time. I really was active in changing lives and changing mine and then all of a sudden I got my dream job, and I slowed down in life to smell the flowers or to just enjoy life. Well, Outlook is speeding on by and doing things differently than I want to. And I was kind of left behind I guess was the word. I am doing great. I have no hard feelings just kind of sad that they are going way too fast. and once I got my dream job, i was "cured" and doing better. I have attempted to be a part of the clan again, but it just doesn't fit in with my work. My job and family come first. That's priority and if Outlook doesn't fit, it just doesn't fit. Anyway had to get that off my chest today. :)

Amazing body

I don't mean to brag about my body but our bodies are so amazing. I am loving working out. My body works so hard to be so tough. Breathing hard and pumping blood fast through my veins. This feeling is actually addicting. I'm loving taking care of my body. I have taken on the concept that everything I ingest has a soul. We are beings. Water coffee soda candy. Drugs alcohol they all have souls. And depending on what soul evil or good depends on what goes in my body to feed my soul. Sigh. This is one of the best things for me. Loving this. It's going to be hard but legen........ Dary!

Photography

I am no longer taking pictures for friends. I have had them either bail out on me, not show up, not pay me the full amount and take COMPLETE advantage me of me, sorry but I am not doing friends anymore.

I used to post on here a lot when things got bad. I really don't know why that was the only time I came on here, but recently I like coming on here now just to type things out. Good or bad! I forgot how much I actually like to blog etc. Today was an interesting day at work.

I am currently taking care of 4 families at one time. It can be stressful but I AM LOVING IT! Today I took care of a family of a little 6 month old. He is such a cutie. And such a little chunker. I love him so much and you can tell he brought so much life and love to his cute little family. This family is very timid but so sweet. I thought I may have a hard time taking care of this family, but surprisingly they have been my favorite family to take care of so far. Babies who have passed on are so hard on families, this little guy had only half a heart and they knew he would pass soon, but they said they were even lucky to get 6 months. When I help baby families like this I always like to sit back and ask myself how I would handle this situation if I was a mama, and honestly I don't know. I won't ever know till I give birth but even then I hope to never imagine burying my own child.

Anyway on a different note, my boss is so awesome. Brandon. He really is the best boss I have ever had. He is very down to Earth and his main goal with me is to teach me everything to help me as a director and even as a person. He also told me I remind him of his two daughters and ever since then I feel we have an awesome bond. He is someone I know I can ask for help and he won't be mad or anything like that. He is always there to help and his wife, such a sweetie. She treats me like family when I see her, Its so nice to have a boss finally that cares about me and is willing to help me achieve my dreams. I really love what's happening for me.

Today...

Today I have this sort of feeling as i'm getting ready for bed that I absolutely love. I am so proud of where I am. I am so proud of who I have become! 1 year ago I was a mess and messed into things I don't like and want to be a part of. Today I am who I can see raising children and having them look up to me. it's one of the coolest feelings.

One thing I'm not the happiest about it my weight. But as I look at myself today on the computer I realized something, this weight I have, This mass that has taken over me, I love. I love it because it has comforted me through the hard times I have been through over the course of a year. I don't really believe in new year's resolutions because I believe I can make a new one EVERY SINGLE DAY. How neat is that? Tomorrow is the day. I started a gym membership at work and they are going to give me a VIP membership to golds. Which means tanning, swimming, yoga, weights and a healthy Alyssa. I love who I am internally and I want to show that externally too. Yeah there are a lot of stresses in my life right now with money and school, but I really could not be happier with where I am.

I also had a thought today. A lot of people laugh at my love for Disney. My friends, my family, co-workers, Really anyone who I associate myself with. And today I LOVE that part of me. It is one of the most freeing things to be able to take pictures of my Vinylmations or to wear a mickey sweater or to sport my AMAZING simba tattoo in public. I am so proud I love Disney because it means I believe in my dreams. It means I know that I can do what I want and live this amazing life I am born to love. As i'm sitting here even i'm wearing 2 Disneyland bracelets my Little Mermaid T Shirt with my Simba tattoo in sight. even with my minnie mouse in my lap. and I'm just so thrilled to be able to show that I love Disney. Even if I am 23. Anyway I just had to write all these feelings down so I can look back and remember that it's ok. But really I need to do is look down at my wrist to remember who I am. Today I really am just so humbled and blessed. life is truly wonderful.

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I have been on here and to be honest I really haven't missed it. This is usually a place I come to vent because not a lot of people look on here that I talk to on a daily basis etc. etc. But It's nice to come back and update people and see how the people I follow on here are doing too :)

So I am officially a funeral apprentice as of Nov. 1 2012. It's been quite a change from the graveyard shift job and the typical day to day stuff at work. EVERY SINGLE DAY is different from being slammed to sitting around chatting with the guys. I really love my job but then other days I mean it drains you. I knew this job would be somewhat draining but I had no idea that it would be this draining. I am really tired at night and I want to sleep quite a bit. I still think the graves for 4 years did some damage to my brain and that may be some of the cause but I really put my heart into my job, which in turn is very draining.

A lot has happened in the fact that I had no idea that certain things would happen to me. Like I never I thought I would be the person I am today. It's kind of cool to think about from time to time. I really enjoy staying home, but I really like to go out more often than I used to. I sleep 9 hours a day which is RARE! and I even dress differently than I did. It's really fun and cool honestly. Now I just feel like i'm babbling. Anyway cool. bye.